Archive | February, 2014

Cat Got Your…Shirt?

28 Feb

To say I was a late bloomer is an understatement.  I didn’t really have a way with men, what with the awkwardness and all.  The braces and thick glasses didn’t help much either {ehem}

Moving on…

Those who have read about the incident with the Most Beautiful Man Known to Human Kind would argue that my awkwardness around men continues.  And I wouldn’t dispute that.  But I will say I’ve gotten better.

Sophomore year of college I was living with my friend, Claudia. I’m not saying she was a Femme Fatale, but she had some game, which was more than I could say for myself. 

I had a crush on our next-door neighbors, Ken Doll & Beagle Boy.  I wasn’t picky about which one I dated; either would do! But I couldn’t figure out how to get them to talk to me.

After months of unsuccessful attempts to engage them in conversation, I looked to Claudia for help.  It took 20 minutes of begging and giving the sad puppy eyes, but she caved.  Her plan was to invite them to our friend’s block party up the street.

“Great plan”, I thought.  “Now go invite them! I’ll wait here.”

It turns out the second half of the plan was for ME to invite them. {panic mode initiated}.  Claudia coached me on what to say so that I could come across casual and cool (as was possible for me, anyway). 

Me: {>knock, knock< attempt to run away several times. Claudia grabs my arm to keep me in place.}

surprised womanKen Doll: {Opens door without a shirt on} “Hey guys!”

Me: {Jaw drops to floor.  Claudia hasn’t prepared me for this!}

Claudia: {Smiles. Gives me a not-so-subtle nudge}

Ken Doll: “What’s up?”

Me: {Continue staring open-mouthed; drool dribbles down my face}

Claudia: {Speak. SPEEEEEEEEEAK!}

Me: {Help me. I’m dying here}

Claudia: {Either picks up on my telepathic plea or could no longer stand the awkwardness} “Hey! We were just wondering if you guys wanted to come with us to our friend’s party.  He’s just up the street.  Lots of folks from our division are going.”

Me: {Fervently nod head in the affirmative.}

Ken Doll: Cool! {looks down at my bobble-like head} But, um, I’ve got a test tomorrow so I should probably study.

Me: {Fervently nod head in the negative.}

Claudia: “What about your roommate?”

 Ken Doll: “He’s not home” {see Beagle Boy walk into the kitchen, oblivious to us in doorway}. Have a good night!

As soon as the door slammed shut in my face I regained the ability to speak as if by magic.  “I’m sooooo sorry, Clau! I just… he… NAKED!”

She puts her arm around my shoulders and says, “Well, I couldn’t get you the guy but how about a Dairy Queen milkshake instead?”

Dairy Queen:  Making the awkward feel better since 1940.

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I Fart You

17 Feb

keep-calm-and-listen-to-my-farts-2

Lately I’ve found myself having many conversations about potty humor and dating. An awkward topic, I know. But it keeps coming up in conversation. Probably because my friends know I am the only one who can have an intelligent-ish conversation on this topic.

Yes, I am in my 30s. Yes, I enjoy potty-humor. But is potty humor appropriate in the context of dating? If so, how far is too far?  Like, should I text my date from the bathroom? You know, the burning questions of our time…

It goes without saying that my sense of humor is not something that has always served me well in terms of dating.  Men tend to either smile politely while continuing to stare at my breasts or walk away shaking their heads.

This, I am told by much cooler friends, is not the response one wants.

Admittedly, not everyone is so comfortable with the topic as to purposely give themselves diarrhea whilst vacationing with their boyfriend {ehem}.  But you can’t be so uptight about these things either.

I once had a boyfriend demand that I run the faucet when in the bathroom lest he hear me tinkle. This man saw combat, yet nothing in this world could be so horrible as a tinkle! {fanning self in delicate debutante fashion}

But the thing is, bodily functions do happen! No matter how much you try to hide your disgusting sound effects from a loved one, they will always find a way to sneak through.

One night I was sound asleep at The (ex) Boy’s house, when I woke up with a start.

As I wondered what could’ve startled me, I turned to look at The Boy asleep beside me.  He was a proper Adonis with his bare chest glistening in the glow of the moonlight.  Lips softly parted as if to say, “kiss me”.  My breath caught at the sight of…

{PBHFBBFPFFFFFFFT}

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

I saw his brow scrunch up like a baby about to drop a poo in the middle of the living room.

{pbhfffffft <squeak>}

His face relaxed back into the sweet embrace of slumber.

1350542305802_3306984Having realized that it was his powerful toots which woke me, I was in a fit of silent giggles. Not wanting to wake him, I stuffed the bed sheets in my mouth to keep from laughing out loud as he continued to serenade me with the song of his people.

Not able to resist any longer, I jokingly whispered down to him, “What was that you said, mi amor?”

{PPBBBFPFPFPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTPBSPFB}

“Aw, I fart you too” {scoot to far end of bed and fall asleep still giggling}

When I informed The Boy of what had happened, he was so horrified he nearly crashed the car. [Note to self: Do not spring awkwardness on people while they are driving].

In conclusion, the moral of the story – if there even is one? Who knows anymore!– is that one cannot be so uptight about bodily functions.  They are a part of our daily lives. They will happen whether you want them to or not.

And if that doesn’t convince you, then think of it this way: After witnessing an incident like the one above, you now have the ammunition to win every single argument!

“Why can’t you ever unload the dishwasher?”
Why can’t you stop farting in your sleep?”

“You embarrassed me in front of my parents tonight!
As embarrassing as the time you woke me up with your machine gun farts?”

 You see? Embrace the potty humor.  It may even save your relationship!

Or… maybe not.

Valentine’s Day: An Awkward Journey

6 Feb

cardFebruary, the month of love, heralds the arrival of Valentine’s Day.  It’s a difficult holiday to ignore when every time I turn on the TV or walk into a store I am smacked in the face with hearts and cherubs.  I find myself desiring things I would normally never want, like an edible fruit arrangement or an open heart pendant from Kay.

 Just the other day I went to McDonald’s and saw they were offering romantic candlelit dinners for Valentine’s Day!  I stood frozen in front of the Dollar menu, contemplating the pros and cons of having Ronald McDonald, Grimace and The Hamburglar along on a date {shiver} until a mother with 3 kids in the midst of a meltdown if they didn’t get a Happy Meal shoved me aside.

 I spent the rest of the day thinking about Valentine’s Day.  In particular, what a holiday focused on conveying love and admiration to a loved one means for someone who, despite his or her occasional charm, is generally awkward.

For those who are in love it is a time of great joy and provides an excellent opportunity to rub your two-dozen roses in your co-worker’s face.  For those who are single it can be a time of sadness, when the memories of love lost are haunting and units of alcohol consumed skyrocket.

And then there are those who are awkward…

For the awkward person, Valentine’s Day can be tricky. We are a well-intentioned people, but where we struggle is with the execution of our best laid plans.

I’d like to share some of my own experiences and lessons learned in hopes that those who love an awkward person can understand their struggle.

[Note: not all of these will apply to you or your loved one.  But they might.  Maybe?  I mean, they clearly all apply to me, so… yeah.]

Lesson 1:  The awkward person is not subtle.

 Let me remind you all that Awkward Charm’s very first post, Awkward Swagger, was the story of a 4-year old me attempting to seduce my sister’s friend by hugging his leg and shoving a potato chip in his face.  I suppose you could say I peaked early? {cough}

Lesson 2:  The awkward person cannot “read” the situation.

            In 3rd grade I was completely and utterly in love with my classmate, Andy.  He was in my math group and I spent every minute staring at him from across the table.

             You can imagine how excited I was when Valentine’s Day finally arrived! I gave everyone in class a card, but saved the best one for Andy.  Andy, however, gave a card to everyone except me.  No bother! I would not be fazed. I loved him.  And I was going to let him know! As we lined up by the door for the final bell to ring, I mustered up the courage to tell him what was in my heart. 

I closed my eyes and at the top of my lungs I screamed “ANDY, I LOVE YOU!”  {class goes silent, bell rings, Andy runs away, I become a pariah}.

Lesson 3: The awkward person does not always express their emotions appropriately

            In college I was at a bar with a friend who I had a crush on.  Valentine’s Day was around the corner and I wanted a date – him specifically.  However, a lifetime of rejection had taught me that this was just a fantasy.  So, when he turned to me and began to praise all my virtues, I was happy that he at least valued me as a person.  When he cupped my face in his hands, I was confused.  When he kissed me, I was completely overwhelmed. Everything from exhilaration to anxiety hit me all at once.  Was this really happening?

As he sat there, giving me a smug, satisfied look, I threw my head back and laughed loudly in his face.

He was furious. I tried to explain that I sometimes laugh when I’m overwhelmed or nervous, but the more distraught I became, the harder I laughed.  I took several big gulps of my drink and urged him to kiss me again, solemnly swearing not to laugh this time.  He took a deep breath and began to kiss me; oblivious to all the looks we were getting from the other patrons.  He pulled away, asking with some hostility in his voice, “And?”

And… I laughed again.

Lesson 4: The awkward person is not a romantic

            It’s not that I do not like romance or that I cannot appreciate the effort, I just… it makes me uncomfortable.  And as you can see from the story above, my reaction to these situations is not always the most appropriate.

A boyfriend I had a few years ago decided to surprise me with a grand, romantic gesture to compensate for a lifetime of dismal Valentine’s Day experiences.  I should also point out that I do not do well with surprises {ehem}. We had agreed to go to dinner and spend the night at my house.  When we got back home, he insisted we go in through the back entrance, which I thought was unusual because it meant having to walk around the block through the rain-slicked path and up the pitch-black porch.

I stepped into the kitchen, but it was dark and there was something silky under my feet.  My wet shoes skid and I slammed my hip into the stove, pinballing my little body into Boyfriend’s chest and onto the floor.

Me: “Fucketty, fuck, fuck, fucking, FUCK!”

Boyfriend: {turns on light revealing a trail of rose petals leading into the bedroom} “Surprise?”

Me: {angrily stomp off into the sanctuary of my bedroom following near death experience} “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” {pointing to even more offending rose petals covering my bed}

Boyfriend: It’s romance.

Me: {skeptical squint} Is it?

Lesson 5: The awkward person is not seductive

            My boyfriend at the time had suggested we do something to spice things up for Valentine’s Day.  Seduction has never been my strong suit (See Lesson 1), so I had to consult my girlfriends for ideas.

They suggested I take a pole dancing class.  I tried to argue against this by pointing out that neither of us had a pole in our respective homes. However, the girls suggested the class could teach me to unleash my inner wildcat.  I was pretty sure the only thing inside me was a smaller, more awkward version of myself, but I agreed to take the class anyway.

            The pole dancing class consisted of 2 hours of me flinging my body against the pole while the instructor screamed “GIVE ME SEX EYES!” whatever that meant!

            When I got home I was covered in bruises, my wrists were swollen, and I felt anything but sexy. The Boyfriend patted my head and told me not to worry because he had something lined up – this may have been his plan all along?  On the day, he surprised me with a strip tease. I started laughing to the point that tears were streaming down my face.

Luckily, he was fully aware of my habit of laughing when I was uncomfortable and didn’t seem offended by it.  But he did feel it warranted punishment, so he held me face down and began to tickle me.  I laughed until I thought I would throw up.

Instead, I farted.

I farted in his face.

I farted in his face on Valentine’s Day.

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

 ~Victor Hugo