Tag Archives: love

Love In A Time Of Awkwardness

21 Jan

While still in the early stages of a new relationship, I had an episode of diarrhea that can only be described as catastrophic.

During the first month of our relationship Boyfriend and I had decided to go away on our first trip together. However, I did not want to have a repeat of the cruise incident in which I had given myself laxative-induced diarrhea with my then boyfriend sitting a foot from the door.

So, I decided that I would not poop during the trip. Good plan! beach vacation

After 5 blissful days spent lounging around Key West, I was sure of two things:

(1) I was in love

(2) I really, really needed to poop

In a fit of romanticism, Boyfriend decided to extend our love-filled vacation by taking me out to breakfast before dropping me off at home. I had been packing away greasy meals and fruity cocktails for nearly a week – what was 1 more meal?

After breakfast my stomach began to ache. “I must’ve eaten too fast”, I thought to myself.

As we walked to the car, my stomach growled loud enough for Boyfriend to ask if I was ok. “Ya”, I answered, “My tummy is just a little upset. {Geisha giggle}

When we got in the car, I had broken out into a cold sweat. I began mentally calculating the amount of time it would take to get to my apartment versus the intensity of the cramps in my gut.

I can do this… I can do this… I CAN’T DO THIS!

Me: “Um, Boyfriend? I need you to pull into a bathroom”, {surprising myself with the calmness in my voice given the urgency of the situation.}

Boyfriend: “Um, where do you want me to stop? Let me think, hm… There’s a Target up the road, but I think the movie theater might have nicer bathrooms. Or would you prefer to go back to my pla –“

Me: “Pull over, NOW!”

Boyfriend: {Makes a sharp right turn going the wrong way down a one-way street and pulls into a Denny’s parking lot}

Run Have you ever run full gallop into a Denny’s restaurant pushing the hostess out of the way while muttering prayers that you not shit your pants in public?

I have.

After 35 shameful minutes I awkwardly walked back out into the parking lot, searching for Boyfriend. When at first I didn’t see the car, I had assumed he left me for a woman who didn’t need to have emergency poops in a Denny’s restaurant filled with brunching retirees. I eventually spotted him parked under a tree. I slowly climbed into his SUV. He rolled all the windows down. {I begin to pray a me-sized sinkhole will open up and swallow me} The rest of the ride home was spent in silence.

Months later, Boyfriend still laughs about the incident.

Boyfriend: “What if you had actually crapped your pants in my car?”

Me: “I would’ve immediately dumped you, unable to live with the shame.”

Boyfriend: “Seriously? How does my girlfriend crap her pants in MY car and then I’M the one who gets dumped?”

Me: “Luckily, that didn’t happen, so we can keep dating. Looooove youuuuu”

Valentine’s Day: An Awkward Journey

6 Feb

cardFebruary, the month of love, heralds the arrival of Valentine’s Day.  It’s a difficult holiday to ignore when every time I turn on the TV or walk into a store I am smacked in the face with hearts and cherubs.  I find myself desiring things I would normally never want, like an edible fruit arrangement or an open heart pendant from Kay.

 Just the other day I went to McDonald’s and saw they were offering romantic candlelit dinners for Valentine’s Day!  I stood frozen in front of the Dollar menu, contemplating the pros and cons of having Ronald McDonald, Grimace and The Hamburglar along on a date {shiver} until a mother with 3 kids in the midst of a meltdown if they didn’t get a Happy Meal shoved me aside.

 I spent the rest of the day thinking about Valentine’s Day.  In particular, what a holiday focused on conveying love and admiration to a loved one means for someone who, despite his or her occasional charm, is generally awkward.

For those who are in love it is a time of great joy and provides an excellent opportunity to rub your two-dozen roses in your co-worker’s face.  For those who are single it can be a time of sadness, when the memories of love lost are haunting and units of alcohol consumed skyrocket.

And then there are those who are awkward…

For the awkward person, Valentine’s Day can be tricky. We are a well-intentioned people, but where we struggle is with the execution of our best laid plans.

I’d like to share some of my own experiences and lessons learned in hopes that those who love an awkward person can understand their struggle.

[Note: not all of these will apply to you or your loved one.  But they might.  Maybe?  I mean, they clearly all apply to me, so… yeah.]

Lesson 1:  The awkward person is not subtle.

 Let me remind you all that Awkward Charm’s very first post, Awkward Swagger, was the story of a 4-year old me attempting to seduce my sister’s friend by hugging his leg and shoving a potato chip in his face.  I suppose you could say I peaked early? {cough}

Lesson 2:  The awkward person cannot “read” the situation.

            In 3rd grade I was completely and utterly in love with my classmate, Andy.  He was in my math group and I spent every minute staring at him from across the table.

             You can imagine how excited I was when Valentine’s Day finally arrived! I gave everyone in class a card, but saved the best one for Andy.  Andy, however, gave a card to everyone except me.  No bother! I would not be fazed. I loved him.  And I was going to let him know! As we lined up by the door for the final bell to ring, I mustered up the courage to tell him what was in my heart. 

I closed my eyes and at the top of my lungs I screamed “ANDY, I LOVE YOU!”  {class goes silent, bell rings, Andy runs away, I become a pariah}.

Lesson 3: The awkward person does not always express their emotions appropriately

            In college I was at a bar with a friend who I had a crush on.  Valentine’s Day was around the corner and I wanted a date – him specifically.  However, a lifetime of rejection had taught me that this was just a fantasy.  So, when he turned to me and began to praise all my virtues, I was happy that he at least valued me as a person.  When he cupped my face in his hands, I was confused.  When he kissed me, I was completely overwhelmed. Everything from exhilaration to anxiety hit me all at once.  Was this really happening?

As he sat there, giving me a smug, satisfied look, I threw my head back and laughed loudly in his face.

He was furious. I tried to explain that I sometimes laugh when I’m overwhelmed or nervous, but the more distraught I became, the harder I laughed.  I took several big gulps of my drink and urged him to kiss me again, solemnly swearing not to laugh this time.  He took a deep breath and began to kiss me; oblivious to all the looks we were getting from the other patrons.  He pulled away, asking with some hostility in his voice, “And?”

And… I laughed again.

Lesson 4: The awkward person is not a romantic

            It’s not that I do not like romance or that I cannot appreciate the effort, I just… it makes me uncomfortable.  And as you can see from the story above, my reaction to these situations is not always the most appropriate.

A boyfriend I had a few years ago decided to surprise me with a grand, romantic gesture to compensate for a lifetime of dismal Valentine’s Day experiences.  I should also point out that I do not do well with surprises {ehem}. We had agreed to go to dinner and spend the night at my house.  When we got back home, he insisted we go in through the back entrance, which I thought was unusual because it meant having to walk around the block through the rain-slicked path and up the pitch-black porch.

I stepped into the kitchen, but it was dark and there was something silky under my feet.  My wet shoes skid and I slammed my hip into the stove, pinballing my little body into Boyfriend’s chest and onto the floor.

Me: “Fucketty, fuck, fuck, fucking, FUCK!”

Boyfriend: {turns on light revealing a trail of rose petals leading into the bedroom} “Surprise?”

Me: {angrily stomp off into the sanctuary of my bedroom following near death experience} “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” {pointing to even more offending rose petals covering my bed}

Boyfriend: It’s romance.

Me: {skeptical squint} Is it?

Lesson 5: The awkward person is not seductive

            My boyfriend at the time had suggested we do something to spice things up for Valentine’s Day.  Seduction has never been my strong suit (See Lesson 1), so I had to consult my girlfriends for ideas.

They suggested I take a pole dancing class.  I tried to argue against this by pointing out that neither of us had a pole in our respective homes. However, the girls suggested the class could teach me to unleash my inner wildcat.  I was pretty sure the only thing inside me was a smaller, more awkward version of myself, but I agreed to take the class anyway.

            The pole dancing class consisted of 2 hours of me flinging my body against the pole while the instructor screamed “GIVE ME SEX EYES!” whatever that meant!

            When I got home I was covered in bruises, my wrists were swollen, and I felt anything but sexy. The Boyfriend patted my head and told me not to worry because he had something lined up – this may have been his plan all along?  On the day, he surprised me with a strip tease. I started laughing to the point that tears were streaming down my face.

Luckily, he was fully aware of my habit of laughing when I was uncomfortable and didn’t seem offended by it.  But he did feel it warranted punishment, so he held me face down and began to tickle me.  I laughed until I thought I would throw up.

Instead, I farted.

I farted in his face.

I farted in his face on Valentine’s Day.

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

 ~Victor Hugo