Archive | July, 2013

Thor: God of Rentals

23 Jul

I have had a serious (and somewhat debilitating) work crush for some time now.

He’s never really spoken to me. Via email he addresses me solely by my formal work title [Lady Awkward Charm, incase you were wondering?].

And then there is also the fact that he has caught me open-mouth-staring at him at meetings, so now makes a point of sitting on the opposite side of the room and sitting so that we cannot possibly make eye contact.  As if THAT could stop me from staring? {eye roll}

Despite all of the above, my friends continue to insist I ask him out.

He’s probably shy”, they say.

Maybe he’s too much of a gentleman to make the first move?”, they ponder.

He’s probably intimidated by your beauty”, they lie.

I’m starting to think my friends are setting me up for an awkward story! Here’s the thing, I DO NOT ASK MEN OUT!

It’s not to say that I haven’t tried! I’ve asked men out before, but I have been rejected every time. For the sake of my pride I will not disclose how many times, exactly, but I will tell you of one of my earlier experiences to help shed some light.

My roommate and I were looking for a new place.  I set up an appointment with a “residential consultant” at one of the apartments we liked.

I was greeted by a tall guy with golden hair, husky blue eyes and muscles on top of muscles.  His voice was deep and soothing and when he smiled I peed a little.

He looked like what I imagined Thor, the Norse God of thunder and lighting, would look like if he actually existed in present day. 2823321-MARVEL_NEW_THOR_BY_TURNER_PX_BLACK_T-SHIRT_S_super

After about 2 minutes I realized we couldn’t afford to live there, but I needed more of Thor: God of Rentals!

 I took the tour anyway and said I’d need to consult with my roommate.

 Then I went back again. After asking him 100,000 questions – twice – I said I’d need to think about it more.

I went back a third time, always scheduling my tours with Thor.

I went back a fourth time with a sad story about my roommate and I fighting and wouldn’t he be so kind as to now show me just a one bedroom?

{You can begin to judge me now, if you haven’t already}

 When I ran out of excuses, my roommate told me to just ask him out.  I called him and as soon as he heard my voice his tone changed and I could tell he was bracing himself for yet another tour. Instead I asked him out on a date.

After what felt like 582 seconds of awkward silence, he finally spoke.

I have a girlfriend!” , he exclaimed with enough of an “aha!” tone that made me doubt it.

OK. I understand.”, I sniffled

 “Look…”, he sighed audibly. “We can go get coffee sometime if…you know… if it’ll make you feel better, I guess?”

Uh…no.  But thank you so much for your pity, Thor.

My dad had the misfortune of calling me just moments later.  After relaying the story between hiccupped sobs, my very Latino father chastised me thoroughly.

“A woman is to never ask out for a man”, he yelled.  “It is job for a man.  Are you a man?”

“Nooooo”, I answered indignantly “But no one ever asks me out! How am I going to lose my virginity if I don’t start asking them?”


“You don’t!” {he hung up on me}

And THAT is why I do not ask men out!