Talk Dirty To Me

3 Apr

In my Valentine’s Day post, I discussed the implications of what a holiday focused on conveying love means for someone who, despite his or her occasional charm, is generally awkward.  But what are the consequences of everyday awkwardness in the boudoir?

Regardless of what your sexual kink(s) might be, you’ve probably encountered someone who has asked you to do something that made you uncomfortable.  I think we’re all having a collective flashback to the episode of Sex and the City when the Politician asks Carrie to pee on him. Right?

Well for me, it’s being asked to talk “dirty”.  I realize it’s not the most scandalous of things, but I just…it makes me uncomfortable. And as you all know, when I’m uncomfortable I laugh loudly and inappropriately in people’s faces.


To this point in my life, I’ve mostly gotten away with giving the vague response of “me too” in these situations.

“You make me so hot”

“Uh… me too”

But that doesn’t always work.

“You make me so hard”

“Me too!”

“What did you just say?”

“Me too?”

I had a boyfriend who not only enjoyed talking dirty, but insisted on a response.  I was able to carry on with my generic “me too” for a while, but one day Boyfriend laid out in explicit detail all the things about me that turned him on. I thought, “Oh, that’s nice” and continued on with my day.

Unfortunately, Boyfriend wanted me to tell him in equally explicit and uncomfortable detail all the things I liked.  Naturally, my first instinct was to bust out in my best impression of Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can’t deny

{mumbling through the part of the song I couldn’t remember}

…that butt you got makes me so horny!

Ooh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin…

{Boyfriend walks out of the room in a huff} Was it something I said?

Convinced that my inability to talk dirty back to him was a major defect that needed to be corrected, Boyfriend decided he would teach me. I argued that he knew I was awkward when he met me and he should really know better, but his major defect was his stubbornness.

So there I was… Boyfriend’s soulful eyes locked with my ever-widening panicky eyes and I begin to laugh uncontrollably. Boyfriend will not be deterred.

Boyfriend: {Ignoring my nervous laughter 2 inches from his face} “What do you like”

Me: “Um…{more nervous giggling}… “I like big butts and I cannot—“

Boyfriend: “NO! This is serious! Tell me. What do you want me to do to you?”

Me: “Um… I… {looking around the room for kinky ideas. Nothing.} I want you to do it.”

Boyfriend: {looks confused but hopeful} Do, what?

Me: “You know… IT.” {raise both eyebrows to emphasize my point}

Boyfriend: “I don’t know what “it” is”

Me:  “Sex, dummy.  Do the sex.”

Boyfriend: “No, you’re not getting it! Be explicit. What sexual things do you want me to do?”

Me: “All of it!”

Boyfriend: “No…”

Me: “Yes. Do all the sex to me!” {fall back into a fit of laughter}

{Boyfriend walks out of the room in a huff} Was it something I said?

I’m all for exploring and experimenting within a relationship {just typing that made me giggle nervously}, but do so in a way that doesn’t intimidate or push your partner past their boundaries.

Above all, embrace the awkward! We may not be the most seductive bunch, but we are capable of great love – and laughter.


8 Responses to “Talk Dirty To Me”

  1. BrantleyNewton April 3, 2014 at 4:22 pm #

    You had me at “Do all the sex to me.” This was the funniest post I’ve read in a really long time.

    • awkwardcharm April 3, 2014 at 4:27 pm #

      Thanks so much BrantleyNewton!! I’m so glad you liked the post!!

  2. Crystal April 3, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

    OMG, I seriously just heard Baby Got Back on the radio not even half an hour ago! I thought that was funny enough, but this is hilarious! I love it!!!

    • awkwardcharm April 3, 2014 at 6:32 pm #

      Really? That’s amazing!! Haha. I’m so glad you loved the post.

  3. foziasaeed April 4, 2014 at 3:28 am #

    LOL, I’m the same minus the song. I go all shy and I’m pretty sure I blush a bit! 🙂

    • awkwardcharm April 4, 2014 at 6:34 am #

      That’s ok! A full body blush is sexy. Isn’t it? Thanks for sharing!

  4. Nicolynn January 22, 2015 at 7:10 am #

    That was wonderful. I actually teared up from laughing.

    I have trouble talking dirty too… to the point where I’ve just resorted to uttering moans rather than speaking at all. It’s ten times easier; it gets his jollies off and keeps me from having to get creative (we were in a long distant relationship/hadn’t had sex yet).

    Although, there have been times when my bf did want more from me. This sucked because I’m not much of a talker. I do better writing, in general, and verbally detailing sexual cravings and fantasies on the fly like that isn’t my forte at all.

    So, I kind of blacked out & ended up fantasizing about a catholic church and a three-way with a nun, & it just got really weird. He liked it, but I definitely saw myself in a new light >.>

    • awkwardcharm January 22, 2015 at 8:47 am #

      I’m glad you could overcome the awkward hurdle of talking dirty.

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