Archive | April, 2013

I’m An Awkward Hugger

16 Apr

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been hiding out in a shame bubble following my latest awkward incident.

awkward hugs

Last week I went into the woman’s restroom at work and unexpectedly ran into the girl who helps me to schedule our conferences. Because I talk to her twice a month I assume we are friends.

And you know what they say about people who ass-u-me….

We stopped to chitchat and out of the corner of my eye I saw her put a ring on her left hand ring finger.

Me:  “OH MY GOSH! ARE YOU ENGAGED???!!!???” {rapid clapping, tiny bounce, squeal}

Her: Um. Yeah?

This is what my awkward hug looked like.  Guess which stick figure represents me!

This is what my awkward hug looked like. Guess which stick figure represents me!

Me: {Throw arms open and lean in to give her a huge hug}

Her: {Takes a step back and throws up hands in an all-too-familiar “don’t hug me” pose}

Me: {Realize this is awkward; slowly lower arms} Um…{cough}…So… uh…yeah. Um. When…when did he propose?

Her: {Hands remain raised in case I attempt to hug her while she’s distracted by my question} A few months ago.

Me: Right {idiotic laughter}.  I guess I never really noticed your ring before. Sorry. It’s…um… beautiful. And… well, congratulations… so when is….

Her: Thanks. Wow, look at the time {looks down at her watch-less wrist}. Well…I need to get back to work {turns and walks out a little faster than is necessary}

The thing is… I thought she and I were friends and  if one of my friends gets engaged, I become so overjoyed for him or her that I want to hug them — a lot.

This should come as no surprise to my readers who are aware of a previous awkward hugging incident.

What can I say?

I’m a (awkward) hugger.

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Reverse Awkwardness: Mom Edition

2 Apr

well-that-was-awkward-2c-t-shirts_design

There are rare moments in my life when I am not the most awkward person in the room.  Rarer still are the moments when someone else is being so awkward that it manages to make even me uncomfortable. Yeah…it happens. I call this phenomenon: reverse awkwardness.

I’ve blogged before about an instance of reverse awkwardness when on a date with a guy who insisted I get a colonic. But you can almost see that one coming because there is nothing more awkward then a first date.

So you can imagine my surprise when the person who put me in this situation for a second time was none other than my own beautiful and usually composed mother!

I had been dating my then boyfriend for about 6 months.  The boyfriend before him was… well… let’s just say he wasn’t very nice to me and leave it at that. So my family was very excited to hear that I was dating someone who was seemingly normal. SO excited was my mom, in fact, that she insisted we fly down to visit her.  Since she is charming and says everything in her beautiful little Spanish accent we naturally agreed.

Mom suggested the three of us go to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant. Everything seemed to be going well.  Mom liked Boyfriend.  Boyfriend liked mom.  And then…

I see my mom reach over and stab what was left of his burrito with her fork.

{What the hell is she doing?}

She then begins to cut a piece of his burrito and transfer it to her mouth all while maintaining a conversation about my strange obsession with the Italian mafia when I was 9 years old and how her and my father felt they had raised a really creepy kid.

{Stop talking & eating!} I willed with my mind, but she didn’t seem to notice. She just kept cutting away at his burrito.

{Boyfriend looks at me as if to say “do something!”}

 Stab“MA!”, I yelled.

Que?”, she asked with her fork hovering above his burrito.

“What are you DOING?”

{She responds with a questioning stare. Fork still hovering over his food}

“Stop eating his food!” I demanded.

“Oh! I am so eh-sorry, Boyfriend!” {continues to cut away at his burrito & take another bite while shaking her head in disbelief at her own behavior}

“MAMA! STOP EATING HIS FOOD!” {I wrestle her fork and knife away}

“OOOOOOOOHHHH MY GOO-NESS. How embarrass! I never do this. I don’t know que me pasa.”

Boyfriend turns to me, “I see now where you get it from”

What? No!! I don’t know what that was…

In the end, the relationship didn’t work out. Granted, he didn’t cite the above incident as a reason but it couldn’t have helped matters! So now my mom isn’t allowed to meet my boyfriends. Or if she does, it has to be on a full stomach! And she’s definitely  not allowed to mention what a creepy kid I was!!