Archive | May, 2013

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

30 May

I have sprained my foot.  The how and why of it all doesn’t really matter – does it?

Ok, I thought I could jump over the dog steps leading to the couch.  Unfortunately my one foot didn’t get the memo and the rest is foot injury history.  Officially the dumbest way to hurt yourself.

This is not me, but let's pretend I look this cute when injured.

This is not me, but let’s pretend I look this cute when injured.

The thing about being single and injured is that even if you take time off of work to rest/heal, you still need to do basic tasks around the house for yourself.  Things like preparing meals and taking the dog for a walk don’t happen on their own.

As I lay there with my foot elevated, my dog began her “I have to pee” whine. {Sigh}  

Since walking is a bit uncomfortable, I decided to do as many things as possible in one go.  This meant stuffing letters to take to the mailbox under one arm and grabbing a full garbage bag, keys and dog leash with the other hand.  Easy.

I wasn’t going to let a little bandaged foot and immobilization shoe get in my way

So there I was hobbling behind an inconsiderate, speedy and spastic Chihuahua while bags and keys and things banged up against me.

When I got to the elevator bank, I saw three big men who looked like they had just spent the past year working out in a prison gym.  Given that they were in the midst of a heated debate over who hated their parole officer more, I’m guessing my assessment of how they got so buff wasn’t that far off.

Hm…maybe I’ll take the stairs instead? Because stairs and foot injuries go so well together.

Unfortunately, Panicky Dog couldn’t read my mind so when I turned right instead of left, she did what she does best – panic.

She decided to run a circle around me.  So as not to get my legs tied up, I lifted the arm holding her leash, but it was being weighed down by other things so I was only able to get it up so far when the leash wrapped around my hair bun.

As you may remember, when Panicky Dog is in the midst of a panic attack there is no stopping her, so she continued running circles around me, wrapping her expandable leash tighter and tighter around my hair.

There I was:

Elaine

       Bandaged foot and special shoe

       Stack of letters under one arm, which I absolutely refused to let drop to the floor

       Garbage bag, keys and leash in hand

       Panicky dog running around me in circles

       Whipping my head and body back and forth to try and untangle the ever-tightening leash from my hair without the use of my hands and only one good leg to stand on.

All the while, the parolees were watching.

First in awed silence, followed by bursts of laughter and comments such as “Hey lady, your dog is trying to kill you”. One guy was laughing so hard he was walking and clapping in glee.

Thanks for all the help, guys.  I’ll just awkwardly limp away now.

 

Hi! My name is…

20 May

Starting a new job is always nerve-wracking. I get nervous because I know that with a new job comes a new crop of people I am expected to interact with.

When I started my job, I was forced to attend a daylong orientation course and then check-in with the administrative assistant.

awkward ice-breaker

The most awkward ice breaker – ever.

After having spent the last 8 hours going over medical benefits and being forced to play ice breaker games (the arch nemesis of the shy and awkward).  The last thing I wanted was to talk to anyone else.

I thought the admin would show me where my office was and send me on my merry way. Instead she dragged me through  the maze that was the office building starting with the executive suites on the top floor all the way down to the basement workout facility.

By the end of the tour I was in such a daze I didn’t know how to exit the building. I just wandered aimlessly until I saw a ray of sunlight and followed it out.

The next day I sat alone in my new office wondering when would be a decent hour to leave for lunch when a man came to my door.

As I stood up to introduce myself, he plopped down in the guest chair without saying another word.

Me: Alrighty… {slowly sit back down and pretend like I didn’t just get snubbed in my own office.}

Businessman with Feet Up on DeskGuy: How’s your first day going? {He puts his feet up on my desk}

Me: Um…{Who the hell does this guy think he is? Acting like he owns the place! ::pbsh::}

Guy:  Are you ok?

Me: {::cough:: Looking at his feet}

Guy: {Does not remove his feet from my desk}

Me: It’s… {feet, feet, feet, feet, feet}. It’s going ok, I suppose.  You know…. {shrug}

Guy: Has anyone come by to talk to you? Have you met the folks around here yet?

Me: No. Well, Oh! Actually, wait. I did meet someone yesterday during my tour. Oh… what was his name? He had a really weird name {::thinking::}.  OTTO!  That’s what it was! I met a guy named Otto.

Guy: {}

Me: Do you know him?

Guy: I’M Otto.  You met ME yesterday.

Me: {Spiraling into panic; incapable of coherent thought} I… well… the hallway was dark. And I was confused.  And I’m having a frizzy hair day today. {What are you saying? Stop talking!}

Guy: Forget it {laughs almost to himself}. Do you want to grab lunch later?

Me: {Silently nod my acceptance. Swallow my horror and shame}.

Otto would go on to be a sort of mentor to me. I don’t know why he would take me under his wing when I was so clearly awkward and gave off the impression that I had the acumen of a peanut – but he did.

I can only guess I won him over with my charm.  My awkward charm.

Man of Mystery

1 May

Hello my lovely Awkwards! I’m sorry for the lack of posts, but my mom has been visiting this past month and I’ve been preoccupied. That does not mean, however, that I have not been extremely awkward these past few weeks.

This story began months ago. I had gone to a meeting and saw this extremely handsome man in the room. Given that I work with a lot of older men who we affectionately refer to as “the grey beards”, this guy stood out! He looked like a young Daniel Craig in the James Bond movies –Reow.  (Sorry)

daniel 2

Who was this guy? Where did he come from? And most importantly, does he like short women with frizzy hair and glasses?

A colleague of mine was able to fill me in on the details of this Mystery Man – but was unfortunately silent on his preference in women.

Two weeks later I’d get another chance to see him! This time I positioned myself in the meeting room so that I could easily steal quick glances, but subtlety is not a strength of the awkward.

Every so often he’d look over and catch me staring at him, opened mouth with a dreamy look on my face. Whoops!

I’d blush bright red, break out in nervous sweats and pretend to scribble something down in my notebook. This should be no stretch of the imagination for anyone who has read about my encounter with The Most Beautiful Man Known to Human Kind.

Once the meeting concluded, I saw Mystery Man walking toward me with purpose. He made eye contact and stopped directly in front of me.

Me: {I can’t believe it! This is it. He’s going to proclaim his love for me!  He’s so beautiful. Look at those eyes! What color is that, I wonder? Hunky blue? (snicker) And that suit! Tailored to perfection. Can I really date someone who is more fashionable than I am? Would the fact that I wear nothing but t-shirts and sweat pants when I’m at home be a turn-off? Is he one of those guys who expects women to be dressed to the nines at all times, because I am too tired for that foolishness. Then again, I bet he wouldn’t care because his love for me would transcend all that superficial crap which is fortunate because —}

Mystery Man: {Loudly clears his throat}.

 Me: {Huh? Crap! Was he saying something?}

photo-26Mystery Man: {Continues to look from me to a point just over my head}

Me: {What is he looking at? No matter! Just flirt, damn you. FLIRT (fluttery blinks)}

Mystery Man: “Excuse me.”{blink}  “I need to get by.” {motions to move around me}

Me: {Realize I had been blocking the only exit and a line had formed behind Mystery Man} Oh! {vomit into my mouth}

Colleague: {Chuckle} Smoooooooth.

Me: Oh just shut up, will you!

Although I made an impression on Mystery Man it was more of a creepy, this-girl-has-the-potential-to-become-a-psycho-stalker kind of impression. This was confirmed at our last meeting when Mystery Man sat on the opposite side of the room and ran out before I could block his exit – again.

{sigh}

One day I’ll be cool.

One day…