Archive | March, 2013

What Do I Do With My Hands?

22 Mar

I was a junior in High School and started a new job at a movie rental store, which has since gone out of business.  When you are awkward by nature new experiences, such as the first day of a new job, are always nerve-wracking.

I never seem to know how to act around new people. It’s like I have no idea what to do with my body.  I basically turn into Ricky Bobby during an interview.  memegenerator.com_Ricky Bobby

It was my first day on the job and my manager was explaining how the cash register worked.  Instead of leaning forward and interacting with my new co-workers (you know, like normal people), I stood like a statue in the middle of the register bank.  Other employees had to shuffle around me.

Be less awkward! Do something… NO! Do not raise your hands to your face.  Do something else. Something cooler.

I decided that I would try a casual pose, like something out of those ads for feminine products where women just sort of lean against things and throw their heads back laughing and generally look like they are the most relaxed people ever.

Yes. Do that. Great plan!

My “cool and casual” pose consisted of standing with both my hands firmly pinned between my backside and the counter.

Totally natural and cool…

As I stood there listening to my manager explain how refunds are completed, I felt a button near my finger.

Hm… I wonder what this does? {press, press, press}

“And that is how a refund is done.” explained my manager. “Any question?”

Button“Uh…nope.” I answered, intelligently.

{press, press, press}

“Great. Now let’s move on to video game rentals, because those are a bit tricky”

“Uh-huh”, I muttered, wowing him with my wit.

{press, press, press}

“…and if someone asks for an NC-17 rated movie, you need to check for ID”

{press, press, press}

“…always check the movies to make sure they’ve been rewound”

{press, press, press}

The more I pressed the button, the calmer I felt.  Something about the repetitive nature, I supposed.  But then I saw my manager’s face contort in confusion as he saw something behind me.  Before I could turn to see what it was, I heard:  “FREEZE! POLICE! HANDS IN THE AIR!”  My arms shot up as high as they could go as a fleet of police officers swarmed into the store. Well so much for calming my nerves!

Police: We received the distress call. Where is the assailant?

Manager: I think there’s been a mistake

Police: The emergency signal was sent several times.

Manager: That’s impossible. The button is kept behind the counter and I didn’t push it.

Co-Worker: SHE did it! {pointing to me as I begin to ever-so-slowly scoot away from button}

Me: What? {feigning ignorance}

Manager: Did you press the emergency button?

Me: NO! Wait… what button?

Co-Worker: She did!! Oh my God. I can’t believe you hit the emergency button.  What an idiot!

Me: NO! I mean… I maybe pressed it accidentally, like with my pant pocket or…or… something. I don’t know. I didn’t, like, press it a lot. Or on purpose. I’m not even sure I pressed it, really. Which button are we talking about exactly? I…I…{things getting a bit fuzzy}

Police: ALRIGHT BOYS! Let’s get outta here. This girl pressed the button on accident.

Me: I…I…{seriously, this store needs to stop spinning}

Manager: {sigh} Come on… lets go over renting video games again. But this time you have to stand over there {pointing to area furthest away from the emergency button}.

Me: I…I…

I think it’s safe to say I made an impression…

Wax On, Wax Awkward

11 Mar

wax-hair-425ds082410

Because I am a female of the unibrow possessing variety, I have been subjecting myself to the torture of waxing since the age of 13. Over the years, the areas which get waxed have extended further down south.

Having just left a waxing appointment I can’t help but recall the awkwardness of my very first Brazilian waxing experience (sorry boys… this is gonna get hairy – pun intended). 

It doesn’t matter how often I do it, it’s always a little bit awkward, because, well… the waxer… she…well she really gets up in there, ya know?

Given that she has a better understanding of my “lady” then most of my ex boyfriends says it all.  So you can imagine how intimidating one’s first waxing experience can be. Especially if that experience is anything like mine!

I had walked past a spa one day and on a whim decided to go in and try it out.  Spontaneity is the key otherwise I’d chicken out! I had decided I was going to go all the way – BRAZILIAN! Go big or go home, right?

Granted, I wasn’t 100% sure what was involved. But I knew that a lot of hair would be removed which was… good. Right?

The receptionist led me into an all white room with a paper-covered bed, one extremely bright light and a small hand towel.  No further explanation was given.

I stood staring at the bed. I was picturing the gown and large paper blanket that you get at the gynecologist, but as I looked at the tiny hand towel I realized it wasn’t going to cover it (literally).

How far did I need to strip down? Did the panties have to come off? Couldn’t she, like, work around them?

I decided to keep them on and for an added layer of modesty I placed the tiny towel over the area, as well.  There. That seems about right.

That’s when Helga, the Russian Waxer From Hell, walked in.

No introduction.  No explanation. Not even some Enya to relax me.  She just cranked up the heat on the wax and ripped the hand towel off my lap.

Oh, ok, so we are going to play this tense and scary? Got it.

Helga: Take panties off.

Me: Oh… well… could you just…

Helga: OFF!

Me: {Trying to shimmy out of panties while also remaining somewhat modest}

vertical-comics-002Helga roughly yanked my legs apart and contorted me into positions that I didn’t even think were possible.  Had I known, I would’ve stretched beforehand.

And the pain…I was pretty sure she had the wax set to 375 degrees.

Between my nervousness and the heat of the wax I was sweating pretty profusely, which only annoyed Helga further because she had to keep stopping to slap talcum powder on me.  And I mean that literally.  It’s a very disturbing area to get slapped.

Then there was the tweezing.

If you’ve never had a butchy Russian woman take a metal, pinching object to your area then you haven’t really lived.

Eventually she stopped.  “Oh thank God, she’s done!” I thought to myself in relief.

Helga: Roll over. Spread butt cheeks apart.

Me: But…butt?

Helga: You say Brazilian? Is correct?

Me: Um…{whisper} yes.

Helga: Then I need to get the hole. Roll over.  Spread butt cheeks apart. {mumbling something to herself in Russian – probably devising new ways to torture me with the wax}

Me: Well, we don’t really have to do that are—

Helga: ROLL OVER!

Since I clearly have a problem standing up to people who are screaming at me, especially when I’m half naked, I obliged the fearsome Helga. I wish I hadn’t though, because if I had thought the wax was hot before…

Once Helga was done contorting and slapping me with talcum powder, she walked out of the room without a word. For a minute I laid there face down, cheeks spread and too terrified to move. I then put my clothes back on and gingerly stepped out of the room.  No Helga to be found.

When I got to the register I was red faced, teary eyed and covered in sweat. The receptionist cheerily informed me it would be $90.  Fantastic. What a bargain!

I eventually found a nice (non-Russian) girl who completely understands the concept of modesty and the importance of not getting into a mad slapping fit with my “lady”. As a bonus she even gives me a big hug at the end of my waxing session– because every girl needs a bit of a cuddle after something like that!

There’s Something Fishy Here…

6 Mar

Most women will at some point in their lives feel pressure to get married and settled down.  For most, that pressure may begin between the ages of 25-35.  But when your abuela (grandmother) is from Argentina the pressure starts the day you get your first period.

My parents were pretty successful at holding her off, but by the time I got to High School she wasn’t playing around anymore.  It didn’t help matters that I was a late bloomer. Here I was 15 years old and still no marriage prospects – disgraceful. This confounded my abuela who saw me as the world’s most beautifully perfect specimen.

Unfortunately the rest of the world saw me as an awkward girl with frizzy hair and glasses.

One of my favorite things to do when visiting her in Argentina was making the rounds to all the different shops (vegetable vendor, chicken vendor, etc.) It was the best way to get all of the neighborhood gossip.  I liked going to the fish vendor the best because he had a super hot nephew who was coveted by all the girls in the neighborhood.pescaderia1

My one saving grace was that his uncle adored me because I was from the United States (those other girls couldn’t say that! Boo-ya).

In Argentina, it is customary to greet someone you know with a kiss on the cheek.  My Abuela, who was in cahoots with the fish vendor, had felt that enough time had gone by that I should start greeting the nephew like a proper Argentinean.

On his uncle’s order, the nephew calmly walked around the counter to greet me, but being that I am shy and awkward I just sort of stood there for a minute, blushing and fighting back the panic that usually accompanies any situation involving a guy.

I managed to pull myself together and was about to take a step forward and pucker up when my abuela, frustrated that this was all taking too long, shoved me as hard as she could in the direction of the nephew, thereby flinging my tiny frame toward him.

hug2I would’ve landed a few inches in front of him and we could’ve just laughed it off.

Instead he stepped forward to catch me and my foot landed on his slippery rubber boot, sending me sliding down so that I kissed his chin and then hung in his arms with my face pressed against his rubber apron covered in fish guts.

I honestly don’t know how he was able to fight the urge to take me right then and there!

The Liebster Blog Award

1 Mar

liebster

Imagine my surprise when I logged into my blog and was greeted with a notification that I had been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by none other than Project Southsea Blog. I’m just really genuinely touched that a fellow blogger enjoys my awkward little site (grammar mistakes and all?).

{Cue Queen’s ‘We Are The Champions’}
Thanks Project Southsea Blog! I feel like you are my awkward brother by another mother.  Your blog really, truly is one of my staples! I’d say if you are ever in the U.S. to stop by for a visit, but who are we kidding? That would be the most excruciatingly awkward meeting of all time.  I’d sit quietly (probably drenched in nervous sweats) and in an effort to cut the tension you’ll say something inappropriate and then we’d both sit there awkwardly staring at each other willing the other person to speak with our minds. But really… if you’re ever State-side let me know 🙂

 
The Liebster Blog Award.
The rules for the Liebster Award are very simple: You are required to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 question they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

 
My 11 Answers:
1. What made you start blogging? When I tell my family and friends my awkward stories they laugh (at me?) and then tell me that I need to write a book. So I tried that, but no one wanted to publish it.  Last year my BFF started a blog and since where she leads I follow I decided to start my blog so that I could get my stories out there.

 
2. Honestly, how many other blogs do you read regularly? It really depends on my mood/how much free time I have that day. Sites I can’t live my life without reading?? Hm… I’d say about three. But when I have more free time it’s more.

 
3. Presently, what do you do for a living? I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.

 
4. What is your dream career? Honestly? Stay-at-Home wife. I realize that is NOT a very cool or trendy thing to say. As a single, independent woman with an advanced degree I feel pressured to say I want to be an astronaut or first female President. But all that sounds really, really hard and I’m over it. So if any of you are looking for a wife/blogger let me know {wink}

 
5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose? (1.) Claude Giroux – Captain of the Philadelphia Flyers (hockey) He’s a sexy little biscuit. (2.) Tina Fey – writer/actress/comedian/producer. I think she’s hilarious and in my head I feel like we’d be great friends. Plus people say we look alike. (3.) You. Ha! You weren’t expecting that one, were you?

 
6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do? Lots, but the most noteworthy was 3 years ago. I tried surfing on a cruise ship. They have a pool on board the ship with jet streams that create “waves” to surf on.  I fell and got a concussion.

 
7. What is your favourite film of all time? AH! So hard to answer this… I’m gonna go with Bridget Jones’ Diary because I can relate to being single & awkward.

 
8. You can punch one celebrity in face without reprisal . Who would it be? Ryan Fucking Seacrest

 
9. If you could go 10 years into the future and ask yourself one question only, what would it be? Are you (we/I) happy?

 
10. How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer? What in the world? Zero monies! I love puppies too much.

 
11. What is your favourite swear word? English: Fuck! Spanish: La puta madre!

 
Blogs I am Nominating:

1. Time Machine Taste Tester – Not only is her site about “playing with my food to reconnect with what’s real” the best blog out there (after mine, of course!), she’s also a great friend of mine.
2. Project Southsea Blog – It might be against the rules to nominate the person who nominated you, but I don’t care. He deserves lots of awards.
3. Reasons Why I’m Still Single  – Should I be worried that I can relate to a lot of his posts?
4. Socially Oxward  – Because I can’t get enough!
5. Crazy Train To Tinky Town  – I love reading about her hapless adventures.
6. Sociopathicuttlefish  – I really enjoy this blog because it’s not a one-trick pony.  He writes about a little bit of everything.
7. Feck This Shit, I’m Outta Here  – I originally started following this blog because the name was FANTASTIC. But I’ve continued to follow because he’s a good writer.
8. Sunny Days in DC  – Because she referred to this award as blog-herpes.
9. Theinnerwildkat  – She writes about a little bit of everything, so if you are looking for variety, check her out!
10. Animalcouriers  –I like looking at the pictures of all the adorable animals they help.
11. Mayasingredients – A site for foodies. As someone who cannot cook, I enjoy reading her posts and attempting the recipes.

My 11 Questions:
1. What made you start blogging?
2. What awkward thing have you said or done recently?
3. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
4. What is your most annoying habit?
5. If you could time travel, where/when would you go?
6. Coffee or Tea?
7. What is your favorite book?
8. What inspires you to write?
9. If you could date one celebrity, who would it be?
10. Do you day dream?
11. What is your favorite blog post that you’ve written?