Archive | June, 2013

She A Gold Digger

27 Jun

I was sitting in my office, minding my own business when my left nostril began to itch.

I don’t mean it was a tingle. I mean it was one of those itches that make you feel like you’ll never be comfortable in your own skin ever again.

I couldn’t concentrate. I was pretty sure that if I didn’t take care of this itch soon I would go insane.

I tried pushing on the side of my nose. {Itch, itch, itch}

I tried blowing my nose. {Itch, itch, itch}

I tried pressing and rubbing the side of my left nostril. {Itch, itch, itch}

Ok… I’m an adult. I can handle this.  {Itch, itch, itch}

{GAH! No I can’t! No I can’t!}

::DISCLAIMER: I’m not proud of what happened next. Just know that::

There’s only one thing to do now. I would just quickly reach in, scratch it and this horrible nightmare can be over. 2 seconds, tops. It’s not like I’m picking my nose! It’s just some scratching. It’s ok.

The hottest guy I’ve seen at work in at least 6 months walked by as I was scratching away with what I can only imagine was a look of total and utter bliss on my face.

He stopped, looked right at me (finger still in nose because I was too shocked to move) and he walked away – backing up slowly.

I fail at life.  

I had to tell someone. I couldn’t keep this humiliation bottled up, so I called my coworker in and told her what had happened.

She thought I was referring to scratching just on the outside of my nose so that it could’ve been mistaken for being much worse than it really was.  I assured her that was not the case.

Not only was my finger up there, but I was scratching an itch so it looked like I was really diggin’ for gold.

She didn’t believe me (who would lie about something like that?) so I stuck my finger back up there to demonstrate what I had looked like – and the hot guy walks by again.

I saw his face clearly as he turned to look into my office. It was the look a man gets when he doesn’t want to look at the remains of a traffic accident, but he just can’t help himself.

He had to look.  He had to look just one more time.

Again peeking into my office.

AGAIN catching me with my finger up my nose.

Mother {BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP}!!! COME ON!!! This isn’t even fair!! My life is turning into a Seinfeld episode!

One time could be explained away.  Two times is confirmation.

As I was shamefully typing up this post, he walked by for a third time.  {Leave me alone! I’m not an animal!!}

Thankfully, I did not have my finger in my nose this time (or ever again).




I See London, I See France…

18 Jun


I was in my freshman year of college.  My friend Allie and I saw that a comedian/hypnotist was coming to campus for a one-time performance and we decided to go.

The hypnotist turned out to be pretty good. I don’t usually enjoy that sort of thing, but he made us all laugh and I really enjoyed the show.  So when I saw the guy in front of me motion as if to stand, I immediately stood up for a standing ovation.

Two things:

1. I was the ONLY one standing. Apparently, the guy in front of me had adjusted himself in the seat and did not intend to stand. 

2. I stood up so quickly that the seat snapped up and flipped my skirt up leaving it resting on the small of my back so that I was unknowingly exposing myself to the 10 rows of people behind me.

{I alone stood clapping madly while unknowingly flashing everyone behind me}

Allie realized what had happened and tried to get me to sit back down, but it was too late. I had committed to the standing ovation and wasn’t going to back down!

Recognizing that I was in a fit of stubbornness and there was no moving me, Allie executed Plan B and pulled my skirt down for me.  Having not realized that my skirt had flipped up, it suddenly dawned on me what all the wild cheering and shouts of “nice panties” behind me were really about.

I  fell back down into my seat, mortified and wishing the ground would open up and swallow me so that no one could ever see me or my derrière again.

I attempted to walk out of the theater without looking up. I was just following Allie’s feet in front of me when I heard someone call my name. It was my cousin and his friends. Suddenly, Allie’s feet stopped moving. Damn!

Cousin: Hey!

Me: H-h-heeey {getmeoutofhere}

Cousin: Did you enjoy the show? {His friends begin to giggle}

Me: Uh…yeah. {His friends giggle some more. My angry squinting is futile}. What…Um…were you in the front rows, by chance?

Cousin: No. We were sitting a few rows behind you, I think {cousin’s friends are full on laughing now}.

Allie: {Whispers, “Your cousin saw your BUTT!”}


I see London, I see France. I see Awkward Charm’s Underpants