I Fart You

17 Feb

keep-calm-and-listen-to-my-farts-2

Lately I’ve found myself having many conversations about potty humor and dating. An awkward topic, I know. But it keeps coming up in conversation. Probably because my friends know I am the only one who can have an intelligent-ish conversation on this topic.

Yes, I am in my 30s. Yes, I enjoy potty-humor. But is potty humor appropriate in the context of dating? If so, how far is too far?  Like, should I text my date from the bathroom? You know, the burning questions of our time…

It goes without saying that my sense of humor is not something that has always served me well in terms of dating.  Men tend to either smile politely while continuing to stare at my breasts or walk away shaking their heads.

This, I am told by much cooler friends, is not the response one wants.

Admittedly, not everyone is so comfortable with the topic as to purposely give themselves diarrhea whilst vacationing with their boyfriend {ehem}.  But you can’t be so uptight about these things either.

I once had a boyfriend demand that I run the faucet when in the bathroom lest he hear me tinkle. This man saw combat, yet nothing in this world could be so horrible as a tinkle! {fanning self in delicate debutante fashion}

But the thing is, bodily functions do happen! No matter how much you try to hide your disgusting sound effects from a loved one, they will always find a way to sneak through.

One night I was sound asleep at The (ex) Boy’s house, when I woke up with a start.

As I wondered what could’ve startled me, I turned to look at The Boy asleep beside me.  He was a proper Adonis with his bare chest glistening in the glow of the moonlight.  Lips softly parted as if to say, “kiss me”.  My breath caught at the sight of…

{PBHFBBFPFFFFFFFT}

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

I saw his brow scrunch up like a baby about to drop a poo in the middle of the living room.

{pbhfffffft <squeak>}

His face relaxed back into the sweet embrace of slumber.

1350542305802_3306984Having realized that it was his powerful toots which woke me, I was in a fit of silent giggles. Not wanting to wake him, I stuffed the bed sheets in my mouth to keep from laughing out loud as he continued to serenade me with the song of his people.

Not able to resist any longer, I jokingly whispered down to him, “What was that you said, mi amor?”

{PPBBBFPFPFPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTPBSPFB}

“Aw, I fart you too” {scoot to far end of bed and fall asleep still giggling}

When I informed The Boy of what had happened, he was so horrified he nearly crashed the car. [Note to self: Do not spring awkwardness on people while they are driving].

In conclusion, the moral of the story – if there even is one? Who knows anymore!– is that one cannot be so uptight about bodily functions.  They are a part of our daily lives. They will happen whether you want them to or not.

And if that doesn’t convince you, then think of it this way: After witnessing an incident like the one above, you now have the ammunition to win every single argument!

“Why can’t you ever unload the dishwasher?”
Why can’t you stop farting in your sleep?”

“You embarrassed me in front of my parents tonight!
As embarrassing as the time you woke me up with your machine gun farts?”

 You see? Embrace the potty humor.  It may even save your relationship!

Or… maybe not.

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6 Responses to “I Fart You”

  1. I'm with her! February 17, 2014 at 11:48 am #

    Bathroom humor is what saves my marriage. Swear! My husband and I have far too many stories that involve farting, pooping…It seems wrong, yet we’ve been together 10 years.

    • awkwardcharm February 17, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

      I am (a) glad to hear you can relate & (b) relieved to hear that my theories on incorporating potty humor into a relationship to reinforce the bond is accurate. Congrats on 10 years of laughing about each other’s farts

  2. shawnabean February 17, 2014 at 11:55 am #

    Hilarious! I don’t I do sometimes make a poop or fart joke here and there around my friends and around boys. But my friends always cringe and the boys…they slowly back away.

    • awkwardcharm February 17, 2014 at 1:20 pm #

      Thanks! And I’m relieved to hear others can relate! Thanks for following & commenting

  3. hacken2013 February 18, 2014 at 11:01 am #

    Potty humor is the crux of my relationship with those I am closest too. I am 43. My brother is 38. We spent the weekend at a hotel with our BFF, a pregnant woman of the same age. We took turns torturing her with the worst sounding farts available, then we’d high five as she’d bury her face in her pillow and ask herself WHY she begged to spend the weekend with us.

    My husband was born and raised by a very uptight mother. So when he joined my extended, farting, juvenile family, he was aghast. When we were newlyweds, I farted in our living room. He actually said, “Farting is for the bathroom. Don’t do that out here.” (Do you not know me??? You signed up for this!) So the next time he was in the bathroom doing his hair or washing his hands…I walked in to the bathroom, stood behind him, and farted. He blanched and I said, “What? I’m in the bathroom.”

    15 years later, he now farts on our kids.

    • awkwardcharm February 18, 2014 at 11:03 am #

      Now THAT is hilarious!!! I love it when folks fully agree with me and make me laugh in the process. Brilliant!

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