Archive | January, 2013

Beautiful Penmanship

26 Jan

Have you ever encountered someone who is so extraordinarily good looking that it makes your brain go numb? All capacity for wit, or even speech, fly out the window and you are left standing there like an awkward statue trying to convey every ounce of emotion through ever widening eyes.

No? Uh…yeah… me either then. Pbshhh, LAME!

I mean… except for that ONE time.  {cough}

I was at my customer’s site for a meeting.  Me and two other coworkers were cramped into one tiny visitor’s cubicle.  There was one desk, one chair and one pen among us. And since I have the most seniority,  I was using all three.

That’s when he appeared.

One minute I was scribbling down notes with my coworker’s pen, the next minute The Most Beautiful Man Known To Human Kind (MBMKTHK) popped his head into our cubicle.

I honestly can’t say what he looked like.  The three of us later tried to remember, but we all three came away with wildly different accounts of his beauty.  All I know is that he was tall, shrouded by a glowing light and I heard angels singing.

As I sat, frozen and staring at him wide-eyed and opened mouth, I could tell that he was saying something.  If only these angels would stop singing I could maybe hear what he’s trying to say!

MBMKTHK: {chuckle} I said… can I borrow a pen?

PenMe: {Pen? He wants a pen? What’s a pen? OH! THIS pen! Right… Oh… but it’s not my pen.  I don’t want to get credit for giving him a pen that isn’t mine. I should explain to him that it’s my coworker’s pen so that she doesn’t get mad at me. But I kind of do want the credit because maybe he’ll be so grateful for the pen that he’ll want to tear down these cubicle walls and carry me off into the sunset}

As I’m having this huge internal struggle about the pen I realize he’s been standing there for a good 2 minutes with three awe-struck women staring at him – and no pen.  Right, I thought.  Pull yourself together, woman! Just hand over the pen.

Me: {Holds pen 1 inch away from my body} Here.

MBMKTHK: Um…

Me: {Stretches arm out another ½ inch. That’s as far as my statue state will allow}

Coworker 1: {Nudges me – nothing.Wrestles pen from my vice grip and gives him the pen}

Me: {Covered in sweat, relieved Coworker 1 could compose herself so quickly}

MBMKTHK: {Scribbles something down} Thanks ladies! {walks away shaking his head}

Had I been one of those non-awkward people who have the capacity to speak around gorgeous men – or just men in general- I would’ve made a joke. Asked him his name. Offered to have his beautiful, angelic babies.

Instead, I’m me. And I sat motionless holding “out” the pen an inch from my body – because that’s not awkward at all.  {slaps hand over face in shame}. 

Awkward Plumber to the Rescue

20 Jan

My coworkers, Matt and Redd, and I decided to have lunch in the empty conference room for a fancy sort of Friday lunch. Once in the conference room I sat down to start in on my sandwich. Matt and Redd went into the kitchen for water, but apparently the water cooler was broken. Matt got water from the sink.

Redd had the idea of trying to get water from out of the old coffee machine connection that consisted of a single copper pipe that protruded from the wall which had not been touched in the 9 years I’ve worked there.

Just as I was about to tell them not to touch it, because I doubted that water was potable, I saw a stream of water fly into the air and Matt lunge forward to cover it.  My brain hadn’t quite registered what I had just seen so I continued chewing my food.

The actual pipe. Don't let the small hole fool you.

The actual pipe. Don’t let the small hole fool you.

After about 10 seconds I realized what had happened and rushed over to help.  Redd ran to call the maintenance people and I was mopping up spilled water and placing cups under Matt’s hand to catch whatever dripped down.  He was able to cover the hole in the plastic valve that had snapped.

As we stood there laughing and wondering how long it would take maintenance to come up and fix the broken valve, a look of panic came over Matt’s face.

“The pressure…it’s getting stronger”, he yelled. But before he could finish the sentence the water began squirting through his hands.

No amount of towels could stop it, and I was worried the water would squirt into the electrical socket just 2 inches away from the pipe {who puts an electric socket next to a pipe?} so I cupped my hands over his as a secondary layer, but then he took his hands away!

What the… GET BACK HERE!

When I say the water pressure got stronger, I mean it was like something out of a fire hose. And now I, the smallest and weakest person in my office, was in charge of holding this ice-cold gush of water back.

I was failing miserably.

As I stood there for 15 minutes with a steady stream of water pelting me in the face,  I screamed for help.  Matt tried to find the source of the water to shut it off.  Redd had gone for help, but all that did was bring in more useless spectators.

Redd was extremely concerned my watch would get wet – TOO LATE!

This is kind of what I looked like

This is kind of what I looked like

My hands were so cold they burned and I wasn’t sure I was even holding the pipe anymore.  Water was everywhere and when I looked down I realized the only thing I was doing was soaking up water. It was like trying to plug up Niagara Falls.  So I let go.

Water shot up to the ceiling with such force that it looked like it was raining inside the conference room.  The carpet was soaked within 2 seconds.

That’s when the maintenance guy finally appeared – without any tools!  He saw me first and gave me a questioning look, so I pointed in the direction of the pipe.

“OH SHIT!” He screamed, and ran to turn off the water.  There was a pool of water soaking into the carpet, every piece of electronic was wet and our leather chairs looked like they had been in a hurricane.  I confess I didn’t look much better. I took my sandwich and left before anyone could rope me into cleaning up this mess.  I went directly to my Boss’ office.

Me: {looking like a drowned rat} “Redd and Matt broke a pipe. I tried to stop the water. I failed. I’m going home.”

Female Coworker: Oh no! You’re hair looked so good today since you had straightened it. Now it’s curling again – ewy

Me: {DIE}

Boss: {resisting urge to laugh} You’re going home and then coming back, right?

Me: {drip, drip} NO. I’m going home and staying there.

Male Coworker: Well if I have a plumbing problem I know not to call you {chuckle}. Why did you of all people think you could fix a broken pipe?

Me: I DIDN’T! I just wanted to help but then everyone abandoned me.

Boss: {more uncontrollable laughter} Ok, ok. Go home. But on a serious note, there is something I need to counsel you about.

Me: {sigh – now what?}

Boss: There is a strict policy against wet T-shirt contests in the work place. Don’t let it happen again

Me: {looks down, realizes shirt is plastered to body. Commence entire body blush}

Boss: {laughing} Now go home before you catch a cold!

After I went home and changed into warm sweats and made some tea, I called my mom to tell her how my day went.  After she stopped laughing, she asked, “how do you always get into these situations?” But mom, I whined, it wasn’t my fault! I just tried to help and in the end I looked like the guilty party! “Yes” my mom answered “but whenever crazy things happen you seem to be in the middle of them. It’s like you attract these things to you.”  Well…she’s got me there.

A Date Gone Awkward

12 Jan

At the request of my friend who is at home sick with the plague and would very much like to see one of her favorite stories immortalized in a blog, let me tell you about a date gone awkward. Only this time, it was not my fault! I swear!

I was on a blind-ish date.  A friend had shown me a picture of the guy and he was cute: dark eyes, dark hair – yes please! So I agreed to the date.  How bad could he be? Really?

I had suggested we meet for dinner at a Lebanese restaurant.  He was even cuter then in his picture! I didn’t want to blow my chances so I decided to keep quiet lest something humiliating come tumbling out of my mouth.

Me: So…tell me about yourself

Date: I was in a terrible accident years ago. My recovery was slow and I ended up gaining 100lbs, but have since lost the weight and have dedicated my life to staying healthy.

Me: Wow. {I probably shouldn’t tell him I eat candy bars for breakfast} That’s…I’m glad you made a full recovery! What’s your secret to staying in such great shape?

180px-ColonicUseDate: Colonics

Me: {Does that mean what I th -} Poop?

Date: What?

Me: Yeah, what?

Date: I get colonics regularly. The lower intestine is the sewage system of the body, you know. If you truly want to get healthy, and I believe you should, then I recommend a monthly colonic.

Me: {I think he just insulted me} I’m set.

Date: No you’re not. Look at your color! You could definitely benefit from a colonic. I have an appointment next week. We should go together.

Given that he spent the first half of the date telling me I look like I was in desperate need of an enema, I didn’t think the date was going well. But I’m a trooper and was going to see this date through to the end – which included dessert.  He’s paying, after all!

photo-20Me: Mmmm, I love halawet jibne.

Date: It’s a delicious dessert, but it’s terrible for the colon

Me: {eye roll} Well, that’s what colonics are for. Am I right? {mentally high-fiving myself}

Date: No

Me: Oh. {about to take a bite of dessert}

Date: {leans in, staring at me}

Me: Um…{holding dessert up to my mouth} aren’t you going to have any? There is more then enough for the both of us.

Date: No thanks {leans in further}. To me there is nothing sexier than watching beautiful women eat phallic shaped food

Me: {Mouth open, slowly drop dessert onto plate in disgust.} I’m not hungry.

Date: But…?

Me: CHECK!

This was a case of reverse awkwardness in which he made me feel uncomfortable without any of the added benefit of charm.  And to think I almost subjected myself to a colonic {shiver}.

 

Stairway to Awkward

5 Jan

I had graduated college and was living in a new city.  I didn’t know anyone outside of my roommates and was eager to make new friends so when my coworker, Jeff, invited me to a night out with his friends I was only too happy to accept.

We ended up in a very posh part of town. I got out of my car and saw all the women in their designer clothes; dripping in jewels {looks down at hand-me-down jeans and watch from Target}.  I was out of my element. 

My discomfort grew after I met Jeff’s friends. They were all nice enough, but no one really spoke to me. Nor did I have anything to contribute to conversations that revolved around country club memberships and how best to marry a rich man (I should’ve paid better attention to that last bit!).

It felt like something out of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Except I didn’t have a Mr. Darcy to rescue me – I had a Jeff. And he was preoccupied with a blond trust fund baby.

My only solution was to drink my awkwardness away.  Shots you say? Why yes, I’ll have another! And another! Next round is on me, boys! Did I mention I have a low tolerance for alcohol?

{Fast forward to 2 am}

Jeff and his friends wanted to continue drinking at someone’s apartment up the street. I happily stumbled my way over with the rest of the party. There was just one problem with the new location: Stairs.  Lots of them.  I managed my way up one flight and then I couldn’t do it anymore.

Me: I don’t want to… >hiccup<  I don’t want to go up anymore stairs. {sits on floor}Long-staircase-700673

Jeff: You can do it! {slapping knee like he’s calling a dog} Come on! Come ‘ere, girl

Me: No, Jeff! {swatting him away} I like it here {lays down in stairwell}.

Jeff: What are you doing? {laughing} Oh my god, you’re so weird. Get up!

Me: You go on without me {gently patting the tiled floor}. I love you, Floor {closes eyes}

Jeff: {Throws me over his shoulder and carries me up the remaining 3 flights of stairs}

Me: I’ll never forget you, Floor! {wave} >hiccup< {giggle}

My last memory was of Jeff plopping me down onto a chair where I immediately fell asleep.  I woke up at 5 am with my limbs dangling in every direction off the chair, my mouth wide open and drool on my chin. Sexy

All the other partygoers were also passed out around the room. I looked around and saw Jeff, now shirtless (why?), asleep on the couch.  What happened last night?! {jumps off the chair} Damn it, my head! 

I was mortified by what I must’ve acted like the night before. I didn’t want to face anyone, especially not co-worker Jeff, so I tip-toed over all the snoring bodies and left.

Later that morning, Jeff had texted me in a panic to ask where I had gone and if I was ok.  I told him that I was fine and had left around 6 am because I had a lot to do that day (like vomit in the privacy of my own home).

Surprisingly, my behavior that night did not deter Jeff from inviting me to more parties. He did, however, make sure we never went anywhere with stairs again.  Understandable.

Hypothermic New Year

1 Jan


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The last time I went out on New Year’s Eve it was the coldest day of the year with temperatures dropping to 13°F (-10°C).

We were all meeting at a friend’s apartment downtown and from there going to a posh NYE party. The kind where you had to promise away your first born child to get in and then drinks cost $250 a piece.

I couldn’t be bothered with bulky coats or scarves or mittens. I had to look cute! Besides, who knew what else I’d have to promise just to get my coat checked.  Instead, I wore a spaghetti strap flapper dress with gold, strappy heels. In a word: Fabulous!

We left the party around 1am in order to avoid the mass exodus.  Instead of asking the taxi to drop my friends and take me home, I decided to go up for one last drink. You know, to warm me up.  By the time I left her apartment it was 2am and all the bars were letting out. I tried calling a cab, but the line was busy.  NO problem! I’d just walk outside and get one.

So there I was… flapper dress, heels, and a velour hoodie that my friend insisted I wear. Pssssssssshhhhh, like I’d need it?

I walked outside and was immediately slammed with a cold wind that felt like it cut me off at the knees.  Where was a taxi when I needed one? I was too proud to go back upstairs so I started to walk up to a busier intersection in hopes of finding an empty taxi.

I walked around for about 15 minutes, but every taxi I saw was full.  I tried to walk some more, but had to stop because I couldn’t feel my legs anymore.

{I should go back to my friend’s house! Where did she live again? Where am I? Oh no… I can’t think straight.  What’s happening? Is this what hypothermia is like? This is it.  I’m going to die. At least I’ll die looking gorgeous}

As I stood on the corner with my arm stretched out and trembling so badly that my dress looked like it was vibrating, a man in his early 30s walked up to me.

Man: Um, do you need a ride?

Me: {teeth chattering} Y-y-y-y-y-y-yeeeeeeeeeeee-ssssssssssssss

Man: {worried look} Where do you live?

Me: {Don’t kidnap me and lock me in your basement!} I don’t like basements

Man: What?

Me: N-nothing {turning blue}

Man: Look, um {looking behind him} I am picking up a friend, but I don’t think he’s ready to leave his party yet.  Why don’t I take you home, sweetie?

Had I been in my right mind I would NEVER have gotten in the car with a strange man at 2am.  But I wasn’t in my right mind, was I? To be perfectly honest, at that moment I didn’t care where he took me or what he did with me once there just so long as it was somewhere warm!

It turns out he drove a limousine and had been parked up the street waiting for his friend/client.  He had seen me shivering and crying through his rearview mirror. I guess he got tired of watching a foolish girl in a gorgeous dress slowly freeze to death.

The kind stranger didn’t make any scary stops of the basement variety. He kept his word and drove me directly home making sure to lecture me on the importance of proper winter attire the whole way.

I tried to pay him but ended up dropping all of my money on the ground thanks to my not-yet-defrosted fingers. He smiled down at me, scooped up my money, placed it back into my cold, shaky hands, wished me a Happy New Year and drove off.

You see? Even half dead from hypothermia I’m still charming!