Tag Archives: awkwardness

My Awkward First Date

8 Oct

firstdate2My very first, official, first date would not come until I was 17 years old. Since I had a reputation of being…how can I put this… socially awkward, I didn’t get asked out on dates often. Or ever, really.

One day I met a boy from another school at a party who was not aware of my social status and for whatever reason interpreted my awkwardness as wit and asked me out. We were going to meet up at a restaurant that was equidistant to both our houses because I am nothing if not practical.

This was it! My very first, official, first date!

I was so excited, I showed up 30 minutes early. He was 15 minutes late. Which means I stood there next to the hostess stand for 45 minutes looking pathetic, flopped in nervous sweats, and too scared to get a table in case he never showed up and I’d have to explain to the waitress that I was stood up on my very first, official, first date.

To my younger readers, keep in mind that I began dating during a time before everyone owned a cell phone. I technically had one but it was huge and clunky and intended only for emergencies. It had honestly never even occurred to me to use it in this situation.

When First Date finally showed up, I was so relieved that I threw my arms around him and dragged him to the hostess stand with a smug look that said, “See, I told you I was waiting for someone!”

He, on the other hand, did not look quite so smug.

As luck would have it, one of my classmates was our waitress. On the one hand I was relieved because she was this super sweet girl who helped to settle my very first, official, first date jitters. On the other hand, she was gorgeous and I wanted her to go far, far away.

During the date the conversation flowed naturally, although I did notice that his end of the conversation flowed a lot more naturally every time my classmate would come over to check on our meal. Since I had introduced her as a friend of mine, I had convinced myself that he was just being nice to her for my sake.

However, this was just the first of many excuses I would invent to make up for the bad behavior of the men I dated, because it is a well known fact that awkward people do not know how to “read” situations very well – hence our tendency toward being awkward.

First Date continued to be very charming toward my classmate, polite to me, and eventually paid for dinner. What a gentleman, or so I thought.

As First Date walked me back to my car I was getting a little nervous. What should I do? Do I kiss him? Hug him? Throw him in the backseat? He broke the silence by asking if I could give him my classmate’s number.

Wait, what?

When I said “NO!” he had the audacity to ask why not. I wish I could say that I gave an articulate, well-thought out, and rousing retort. Instead I shrugged and mumbled “Um, ‘cause…”.

For whatever reason, he took my awkward, flustered state as an invitation to try and kiss me. I pushed him away and stumbled back so quickly that I slammed into my car.

He looked wounded and sniveled something about really liking me. Yeah… really liking my choice in hot friends, maybe! Thank you, First Date, for setting me up for a life-time of horrifically awkward dates.

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GOOOOOAAAAL!

26 Jun

As a child, my parents would ship me off to Argentina every summer break.  They said it was so that I could connect with my family, heritage, etc., but all I heard was, “Go be awkward around some other people and soak up some Spanish while you’re at it”.

I didn’t mind.  I loved being in Argentina – especially during the World Cup!

Although soccer (or futbol) in the United States has started to rise in popularity, nothing can rival the fanaticism of a Latin American country.  During a game women cry, men rip off their shirts, dogs howl… it’s NUTS.  Every time Argentina scored a goal, you could hear the entire neighborhood scream in unison along with the commentator:

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

 GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

AR-GEN-TINA!!!!!!!

 

Messi_Goal

One summer, my dad’s parents (selfishly) decided that they would come to visit us instead of me going to them. I was devastated.

I wanted to see my cousins and friends!  More importantly, I wanted to see all of my neighborhood crushes.  They had no idea I existed, but I still wanted to see them.  Well… except for the Fish Vendor’s nephew who was painfully aware of my awkwardness following an incident in which I leaned in for a kiss, slipped, and face-planted in a patch of fish guts.  Him, I didn’t want to see.

My grandparent’s trip also happened to fall during a World Cup.  Unbeknownst to my parents, I took it upon myself to give the family the full Argentina World Cup experience.  For me, it was all about the celebration.

I diligently practiced my post-goal runs and obligatory jersey waving/kisses.  Now all that was left was perfecting the commentator’s goal announcement.  For this, I would need a private area.  Unfortunately, with 7 people crammed into a small house there weren’t too many places for me to hide.  But I was small and resourceful.

I found a spot between the fridge and dining hutch in which I could squeeze myself into.  “Yes”, I thought.  “This’ll do nicely”.  I then dropped my voice an octave and began:

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

GOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL

 GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO –

Oh, hey guys!”

Hearing what sounds like a dying animal, my entire family frantically ran to the kitchen.  Instead, they found me.

In my hidey-hole.

With my pet rabbit on my lap.

Screaming “GOAL”

In a Spanish, man-like voice.

My grandfather frowned, my parents feared for my mental stability and my sisters burst out laughing.   I tried to explain, but they just couldn’t understand what in the world would motivate me to do such a thing.  And why was the rabbit there?

The answer was simple: Awkwardness made me do it!

I’ve Got Answers! (finally)

17 Jun

 

Q&A

Thank you to all those who submitted a question to me via the blog or email.  I’ve had a lovely time reading your questions!

I also want to apologize for taking so long to respond!  I had intended to follow up after a week, but I had a family emergency that kept me occupied, but i’m back now and ready to answer your questions!

 

Dear Awkward Charm,

I’m actually writing a post about this, but I find that men in their 30s+ are easier at having spontaneous conversations. Most guys I’ve met in their 20s are pretty bad at it (of course my experience doesn’t speak for all women lol). Why do you think this is the case?

Thoughtsofasbuxaddict 

Dear Thoughtsofasbuxaddict,

That’s a really great and thought-provoking question! My own experiences have taught me that guys in their 20s are like puppies. They have all the enthusiasm in the world.  As a result, they are more likely to come up and introduce themselves, but they lack the ability to maintain a conversation. And as a woman in my 30s, I find more and more that I have to carry the conversation, and it’s exhausting.  However, men in their 30s are a bit more refined.  I think they’ve had more opportunities in life that require them to speak to a wide audience of people, whether it’s picking up a woman at a bar or talking to their senior partner at work.  It’s like Curlydaz suggested, they are more content and confident with themselves.  Having said all that, you find duds and gems at any age! So don’t discard anyone.

– AC

Dear Awkward Charm,

I love your awkward stories and can relate to your awkwardness. I am looking for a new job. How do you handle the awkward interview? I always freeze or babble like an idiot when they ask if I have any questions. Help!

– Shannon

Dear Shannon,

That is so sweet of you to say, thank you! I’m glad you can relate to my awkwardness.  Unfortunately, that means that ,like me, you get really nervous during interviews.  During every job interview i’ve ever had (and i’ve had a few), I immediately break out into a flop sweat.  I go from dry as a bone to looking like I walked in out of a monsoon in about 60 seconds.  And my hands and voice shake.  Begging the question – who wouldn’t want to hire a sweat-soaked vibrating candidate? I mean…right?  However, as my name suggests, I do have a modicum of charm that makes an occasional appearance. Regardless of how nervous I feel (or look!) or how much the interviewer frowns at me, I smile.  I flash my giant chompers as much as and as naturally as I can.  And no matter how sweaty my palms get, I give a firm handshake that says “Yeah, I sweat. So what? Now hire me, fool!”  And believe it or not that charm and confidence has won over many an employer.  Of course once you get the job, you must also remember to continue to play it cool and not forget the names of important people you interviewed with the day before…like some people have done… {ehem}.  Good luck!

– AC

Dear Awkward Charm, 

There’s a girl I like at work.  We get along really well.  The problem is, she’s kind of awkward.  I really like that about her because she makes me laugh but it also makes it hard to tell if she’s flirting with me.  How can I tell if an awkward girl likes me?

– Ben

Dear Ben,

Oh, Ben.  First of all, let me commend you on liking someone BECAUSE of their awkwardness. Bravo!  However, that awkwardness does complicate things a bit.  An awkward girl’s interest in a guy is most often proven by how far out of her way she goes to ignore him. Heaven forbid we awkwards should talk to the person we like! Something horrifically embarrassing might come pouring out of our mouths!  BUT, given that you work with her (and i’m guessing see her on a daily basis?) means that she’s probably more likely to flirt with you in the traditional sense (eye contact, touching, laughter, etc.) because she’s forced to be in close proximity to you.  Keep in mind, awkwardness is fueled by a heightened sense of anxiety.  So as nervous as you are about asking her out, she’s probably 10x more nervous about every situation in her life.  It also sounds like you guys get along really well and you make her feel comfortable (or comfortable enough to seem flirtatious), which is a huge bonus in your favor!  Awkwards love nothing more than being around those who put us at ease.  Personally, I think you should ask her out.  What’s the worse that can happen? Things get awkward? Guess what… they already are!  Good luck, Ben! Keep me (us) posted!

– AC

Dearest Tia Awkward, 

Why are you always soooooooooooooo AWK?

– Your Favorite Nephew

Dear “Favorite” Nephew,

First, stop speaking to me in text and write out the word “awkward”.  That’s just being lazy.  Second, is this because you’re still angry at me for chasing you around the living room yelling “Give your auntie a big kiss” when your friends came over?  I already told you, you set me up for that one by begging me to “be cool for once”.  Lastly, I wouldn’t make fun of me if I was you.  We share similar genes.  {squint}

– Love, Tia AC

 

Ask A Question!

28 May

ask-me-questions-picture-313You have questions. I (might, maybe?) have answers!

My Awkward Charm blog has been in existence for a little over a year.  During that time i’ve had people ask questions about awkwardness and/or charm as it relates to dating, work, etc.  I always do my best to answer them, but it occurred to me that it might be more useful (and fun-er) to answer all of your questions at once.

So here is your chance to ask any of your burning questions!  Just think of me as your awkward Dear Abby.

Directions:

Leave your question(s) in the comments or email awkwardcharm@gmail.com

I will answer all the questions I receive in my next post.

The Gift of Awkwardness

9 May

Given my daily awkwardness (it may be getting worse with age?), I often joke with family and friends that it is my gift to them. This usually elicits a different response from people. For example, my sister rolls her eyes whereas my parents stare at me blankly (probably wondering where they went wrong in raising me?). And men… well, the men just walk away. {cough}

Except there was one day…one glorious day…while at University in which my awkwardness became a gift – literally!

Despite the fact that my dorm mate, Allie, and I lived an hour and a half away from University, her mother sent her weekly care packages. Each carefully selected item came individually wrapped in brown butcher paper. My mom’s care package consisted of her shoving a half-ton of Kraft Easy Mac into my overnight bag. Look, I get it. It sounds practical and delicious. But once you’ve eaten it twice a day every day for the better part of a semester you will never want to eat it again!

We were now nearing the end of our first semester at University and finals were upon us. All the girls in our dorm were stressed out. Not to mention I think our menstrual cycles had synced up. The usual cattiness level had escalated from Ermahgerd to Claw-your-eyes-out. I was terrified!

In a show of support during this difficult time, Allie’s mom sent the biggest care package I had ever seen. As she tore through the box, butcher paper rained down on us. I attempted to ignore her in order to study for my finals, but the allure of the care package was too much.

Must…see…inside…ohmygodshegotpoprocks!

Once the excitement of the care package (and sugar-high from the pop rocks) wore off, we were left with a mess. As usual, I began to kick Allie’s mess to her side of the room while straightening my side for the nth time that evening. That’s when Allie devised a way to get rid of the paper AND get me to do it for her. Of course, I didn’t realize that’s what it was at the time…

A photograph of me wrapped as a gift exists somewhere, but I cannot find it.  However, this is a fair representation.

A photograph of me wrapped as a gift exists somewhere, but I cannot find it. However, this is a fair representation.

She suggested we use the butcher paper to dress me up as a giant present so that we could give the girls a laugh while also giving them a break from studying. Before I could say anything, Allie had already wrapped me up like a mummy, complete with Christmas bows.

Me: “Allie, I can’t see! Cut me some eye holes.”

Allie: “No! Half the fun is guessing who is inside the present. Don’t worry. I’ll guide you down the hall.”

Me: “Ok, but don’t make me run into walls or anything.”

Allie: {giggling}

Me: “Allie!”

Allie: “Oh my gosh, I woooooon’t.”

Me: {Begin bouncing down the hall because Allie bound my legs too tight. Immediately run into a wall} “Allie!!”

Allie: {faint giggling}

Me: {Begin bouncing again; run face-first into a door}

Allie: “Whoops! I didn’t mean to make you do that this time.”

Me: {Angrily mumbling to myself under 12 layers of impermeable butcher paper}

The routine involved Allie knocking on a door, singing a Christmas carol, and I would do a sort of awkward, bouncy dance. Then we would both shout “happy finals” and move on to the next room.

After about the 10th room, the inadequate air hole somewhere behind my right ear was no longer sufficient. I was beginning to black out. Allie grabbed onto the protrusion most closely resembling my left elbow and quick-bounced me back to our room.

In the end, we made an entire hall of hormonal, stressed out young women laugh so hard they nearly wet themselves. Or so I was told. I don’t know. I couldn’t really see anything.

You’re welcome, ladies.

 

Talk Dirty To Me

3 Apr

In my Valentine’s Day post, I discussed the implications of what a holiday focused on conveying love means for someone who, despite his or her occasional charm, is generally awkward.  But what are the consequences of everyday awkwardness in the boudoir?

Regardless of what your sexual kink(s) might be, you’ve probably encountered someone who has asked you to do something that made you uncomfortable.  I think we’re all having a collective flashback to the episode of Sex and the City when the Politician asks Carrie to pee on him. Right?

Well for me, it’s being asked to talk “dirty”.  I realize it’s not the most scandalous of things, but I just…it makes me uncomfortable. And as you all know, when I’m uncomfortable I laugh loudly and inappropriately in people’s faces.

XvtcU

To this point in my life, I’ve mostly gotten away with giving the vague response of “me too” in these situations.

“You make me so hot”

“Uh… me too”

But that doesn’t always work.

“You make me so hard”

“Me too!”

“What did you just say?”

“Me too?”

I had a boyfriend who not only enjoyed talking dirty, but insisted on a response.  I was able to carry on with my generic “me too” for a while, but one day Boyfriend laid out in explicit detail all the things about me that turned him on. I thought, “Oh, that’s nice” and continued on with my day.

Unfortunately, Boyfriend wanted me to tell him in equally explicit and uncomfortable detail all the things I liked.  Naturally, my first instinct was to bust out in my best impression of Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can’t deny

{mumbling through the part of the song I couldn’t remember}

…that butt you got makes me so horny!

Ooh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin…

{Boyfriend walks out of the room in a huff} Was it something I said?

Convinced that my inability to talk dirty back to him was a major defect that needed to be corrected, Boyfriend decided he would teach me. I argued that he knew I was awkward when he met me and he should really know better, but his major defect was his stubbornness.

So there I was… Boyfriend’s soulful eyes locked with my ever-widening panicky eyes and I begin to laugh uncontrollably. Boyfriend will not be deterred.

Boyfriend: {Ignoring my nervous laughter 2 inches from his face} “What do you like”

Me: “Um…{more nervous giggling}… “I like big butts and I cannot—“

Boyfriend: “NO! This is serious! Tell me. What do you want me to do to you?”

Me: “Um… I… {looking around the room for kinky ideas. Nothing.} I want you to do it.”

Boyfriend: {looks confused but hopeful} Do, what?

Me: “You know… IT.” {raise both eyebrows to emphasize my point}

Boyfriend: “I don’t know what “it” is”

Me:  “Sex, dummy.  Do the sex.”

Boyfriend: “No, you’re not getting it! Be explicit. What sexual things do you want me to do?”

Me: “All of it!”

Boyfriend: “No…”

Me: “Yes. Do all the sex to me!” {fall back into a fit of laughter}

{Boyfriend walks out of the room in a huff} Was it something I said?

I’m all for exploring and experimenting within a relationship {just typing that made me giggle nervously}, but do so in a way that doesn’t intimidate or push your partner past their boundaries.

Above all, embrace the awkward! We may not be the most seductive bunch, but we are capable of great love – and laughter.

I See Awkwardness In Your Future

3 Jan

I had met up with my friend, Lanie, for dinner and drinks.  We had been discussing our lives, our hopes, our dreams {insert girlish sighing}, etc. when Lanie suggested we visit a psychic.

fool

After the first round of drinks, the idea of visiting a psychic was funny.  After the second round of drinks, it seemed legit.  After the fifth round of drinks {don’t judge us!} it seemed like THE MOST FANTASTIC IDEA OF ALL TIME!

I could’ve sworn someone told me of a psychic that operated out of an old house a few blocks up the street from our restaurant.  It must be kismet!  We stumbled our way up Main Street until I saw a house that looked “psychic-y”.

Me: “THIS is it!” {Strolling confidently toward front door}

Lanie: {Strolling slightly less confidently} “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssss” {(eye roll) Begin to open door}

Lanie: “WAIT! Shouldn’t we knock first?”

Me: “NO! It’s a business! Since when do you knock on a shop door? Come on, will you! I need to get my tarot on!” {Stumble ever so slightly on first porch step; catch myself; hear Lanie make an uncertain noise}

{I open front door and see a large group of men.  Suddenly, a collie puppy comes running up to me, tail wagging}

Me: “PUPPY!!!!!” {Immediately fall to knees and begin petting puppy’s tummy}

Lanie: {Holding door open, but remains standing on porch} “Um…” {nudging my shoulder}

Me: {Am now sprawled out on entrance floor, fully engrossed in puppy cuddles, beside myself with joy.  Only slightly aware of the line of men waiting to see the psychic}

Lanie: {Begins tugging on my shoulder; whispers} “Are you suuure this is a psychic?”

Me: “YES! Obviously!!” {Look up at group of men who are in process of seating themselves around a table} “This is the psychic’s house, right?”

Head Guy: “What?”

Me: {Exasperated sigh} The psychic. {Duh!}  She lives here, right?

Lanie: {Lets door slowly shut on me and begins walking back down sidewalk}

Head Guy: “Noooo. This is my house. {He pauses, but when I don’t move he continues speaking} I live here.

Me: {blink}

Head Guy: “I…there is no psychic here. I think you and your friend have the wrong house?”

Me:  {Continue on floor with a puppy on my lap trying to make sense of what this ridiculous man is saying.}

Lanie: {Grabs me by my shirt and drags me out of the house}

It was only after I had left the house that I realized we had crashed that guy’s poker night.  There was no psychic on the premise.  I had simply gotten the address wrong.

In my defense… he had a creepy house!