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Beauty is Embarrassing

14 Jan

My friend, Donna, and I had a conversation the other day about the level of abuse and embarrassment women subject themselves to all in the name of beauty.

For those who read my post about Helga the Russian Waxer from Hell, you understand. For those who haven’t, here is an example of each waxing visit Donna and I have ever gone to:

Waxer: “What do you need done? Lip?”

Me: “I – Oh. Um… no. Just my eyebrows today”

Waxer: “And then lip?”

Me: “I think my lip is ok, just eyebrows today.”

Waxer: “Chin?”

Me: “What the – No. Just eyebrows. Thanks.”

Waxer: {shrugs and waxes the eyebrows} ”Wow! Your skin is super red”

Me: {My hairs were plucked out by the root in a single, violent pulling motion.} “That’s normal though, right?” {Recall seeing the 3 women before me also walk out with red eyebrows}

Waxer: “I think it’s just your skin.” {Purells her hands in dramatic fashion}

Once my self-esteem has been thoroughly crushed, I am now shamed into tipping this woman 75% because I feel bad for HER. I can’t imagine the horrors she encountered while having to touch my disgusting (and excessively fuzzy, apparently?) face.

As a result of this conversation, I decided to try threading my eyebrows today instead of waxing. Because, you know, maybe threaders were nicer?threading

The esthetician was a bit rough, but I was otherwise content because she hadn’t insulted me or pointed out rooms for improvement that actually consisted of things I cannot improve upon without undergoing plastic surgery.

That is, until she got to the end…

Instead of brushing the loose hairs off my face with a cotton swab or facial tissue, the esthetician blew on my face. As she did so, I felt her spit on me.

What the– is this real life? Did a grown woman just spit on my face?

I had basically paid someone $20 (plus a 90% shame-tip) to spit on me. I am aware that in some circles, this is something of a fetish, but it’s not really my thing.

I immediately text Donna about this next level abuse, to which she responded, “I have no words, only laughter”. Once she stopped laughing, Donna pointed out that this is the type of thing that doesn’t happen to “normal” people but is just an average day in the life for me.

I may be awkward and covered in spit, but at least my eyebrows look amazing.

So…there.

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New Year’s Resolution

7 Jan

resolutions

I usually don’t make New Years resolutions, because they tend to set me up for failure. I resolve to do something, then when I don’t I become terribly depressed. When I’m depressed I eat all the cookie dough while standing in the fridge.

When I realize what I look like, I feel ashamed, become even more depressed and go back to standing in the fridge to rummage around for the cookie dough that I hid from myself in the crisper.

It’s a vicious cycle.

However, several readers who noticed I hadn’t posted on Awkward Charm since October 2014 brought it to my attention. To you all I say, “Thank you for missing me and giving me the kick in the butt I needed!”

I also would like to say, fear not for I resolve to post more frequently in 2015!

{pause for round of applause}

Of those who wrote in, many asked,

“Why have you abandoned us?”

“Has a genie granted your wish to no longer be awkward?”

“Did you win the lottery and flee to a secluded island to spare us your awkwardness?”

Um…no.

What could be more important than my little Awkwards? Nothing!!

In truth, I didn’t stop being awkward and I most definitely did not win the lottery {sad sigh}, I just got a job that was working me 7 days a week. What little energy and brainpower I had was put toward my work and the purchase of more cookie dough. Don’t judge me…

But now I am back and equipped with more awkward stories for your reading pleasure!

Stay tuned!

– AC

My Awkward First Date

8 Oct

firstdate2My very first, official, first date would not come until I was 17 years old. Since I had a reputation of being…how can I put this… socially awkward, I didn’t get asked out on dates often. Or ever, really.

One day I met a boy from another school at a party who was not aware of my social status and for whatever reason interpreted my awkwardness as wit and asked me out. We were going to meet up at a restaurant that was equidistant to both our houses because I am nothing if not practical.

This was it! My very first, official, first date!

I was so excited, I showed up 30 minutes early. He was 15 minutes late. Which means I stood there next to the hostess stand for 45 minutes looking pathetic, flopped in nervous sweats, and too scared to get a table in case he never showed up and I’d have to explain to the waitress that I was stood up on my very first, official, first date.

To my younger readers, keep in mind that I began dating during a time before everyone owned a cell phone. I technically had one but it was huge and clunky and intended only for emergencies. It had honestly never even occurred to me to use it in this situation.

When First Date finally showed up, I was so relieved that I threw my arms around him and dragged him to the hostess stand with a smug look that said, “See, I told you I was waiting for someone!”

He, on the other hand, did not look quite so smug.

As luck would have it, one of my classmates was our waitress. On the one hand I was relieved because she was this super sweet girl who helped to settle my very first, official, first date jitters. On the other hand, she was gorgeous and I wanted her to go far, far away.

During the date the conversation flowed naturally, although I did notice that his end of the conversation flowed a lot more naturally every time my classmate would come over to check on our meal. Since I had introduced her as a friend of mine, I had convinced myself that he was just being nice to her for my sake.

However, this was just the first of many excuses I would invent to make up for the bad behavior of the men I dated, because it is a well known fact that awkward people do not know how to “read” situations very well – hence our tendency toward being awkward.

First Date continued to be very charming toward my classmate, polite to me, and eventually paid for dinner. What a gentleman, or so I thought.

As First Date walked me back to my car I was getting a little nervous. What should I do? Do I kiss him? Hug him? Throw him in the backseat? He broke the silence by asking if I could give him my classmate’s number.

Wait, what?

When I said “NO!” he had the audacity to ask why not. I wish I could say that I gave an articulate, well-thought out, and rousing retort. Instead I shrugged and mumbled “Um, ‘cause…”.

For whatever reason, he took my awkward, flustered state as an invitation to try and kiss me. I pushed him away and stumbled back so quickly that I slammed into my car.

He looked wounded and sniveled something about really liking me. Yeah… really liking my choice in hot friends, maybe! Thank you, First Date, for setting me up for a life-time of horrifically awkward dates.

I’ve Got Answers! (finally)

17 Jun

 

Q&A

Thank you to all those who submitted a question to me via the blog or email.  I’ve had a lovely time reading your questions!

I also want to apologize for taking so long to respond!  I had intended to follow up after a week, but I had a family emergency that kept me occupied, but i’m back now and ready to answer your questions!

 

Dear Awkward Charm,

I’m actually writing a post about this, but I find that men in their 30s+ are easier at having spontaneous conversations. Most guys I’ve met in their 20s are pretty bad at it (of course my experience doesn’t speak for all women lol). Why do you think this is the case?

Thoughtsofasbuxaddict 

Dear Thoughtsofasbuxaddict,

That’s a really great and thought-provoking question! My own experiences have taught me that guys in their 20s are like puppies. They have all the enthusiasm in the world.  As a result, they are more likely to come up and introduce themselves, but they lack the ability to maintain a conversation. And as a woman in my 30s, I find more and more that I have to carry the conversation, and it’s exhausting.  However, men in their 30s are a bit more refined.  I think they’ve had more opportunities in life that require them to speak to a wide audience of people, whether it’s picking up a woman at a bar or talking to their senior partner at work.  It’s like Curlydaz suggested, they are more content and confident with themselves.  Having said all that, you find duds and gems at any age! So don’t discard anyone.

– AC

Dear Awkward Charm,

I love your awkward stories and can relate to your awkwardness. I am looking for a new job. How do you handle the awkward interview? I always freeze or babble like an idiot when they ask if I have any questions. Help!

– Shannon

Dear Shannon,

That is so sweet of you to say, thank you! I’m glad you can relate to my awkwardness.  Unfortunately, that means that ,like me, you get really nervous during interviews.  During every job interview i’ve ever had (and i’ve had a few), I immediately break out into a flop sweat.  I go from dry as a bone to looking like I walked in out of a monsoon in about 60 seconds.  And my hands and voice shake.  Begging the question – who wouldn’t want to hire a sweat-soaked vibrating candidate? I mean…right?  However, as my name suggests, I do have a modicum of charm that makes an occasional appearance. Regardless of how nervous I feel (or look!) or how much the interviewer frowns at me, I smile.  I flash my giant chompers as much as and as naturally as I can.  And no matter how sweaty my palms get, I give a firm handshake that says “Yeah, I sweat. So what? Now hire me, fool!”  And believe it or not that charm and confidence has won over many an employer.  Of course once you get the job, you must also remember to continue to play it cool and not forget the names of important people you interviewed with the day before…like some people have done… {ehem}.  Good luck!

– AC

Dear Awkward Charm, 

There’s a girl I like at work.  We get along really well.  The problem is, she’s kind of awkward.  I really like that about her because she makes me laugh but it also makes it hard to tell if she’s flirting with me.  How can I tell if an awkward girl likes me?

– Ben

Dear Ben,

Oh, Ben.  First of all, let me commend you on liking someone BECAUSE of their awkwardness. Bravo!  However, that awkwardness does complicate things a bit.  An awkward girl’s interest in a guy is most often proven by how far out of her way she goes to ignore him. Heaven forbid we awkwards should talk to the person we like! Something horrifically embarrassing might come pouring out of our mouths!  BUT, given that you work with her (and i’m guessing see her on a daily basis?) means that she’s probably more likely to flirt with you in the traditional sense (eye contact, touching, laughter, etc.) because she’s forced to be in close proximity to you.  Keep in mind, awkwardness is fueled by a heightened sense of anxiety.  So as nervous as you are about asking her out, she’s probably 10x more nervous about every situation in her life.  It also sounds like you guys get along really well and you make her feel comfortable (or comfortable enough to seem flirtatious), which is a huge bonus in your favor!  Awkwards love nothing more than being around those who put us at ease.  Personally, I think you should ask her out.  What’s the worse that can happen? Things get awkward? Guess what… they already are!  Good luck, Ben! Keep me (us) posted!

– AC

Dearest Tia Awkward, 

Why are you always soooooooooooooo AWK?

– Your Favorite Nephew

Dear “Favorite” Nephew,

First, stop speaking to me in text and write out the word “awkward”.  That’s just being lazy.  Second, is this because you’re still angry at me for chasing you around the living room yelling “Give your auntie a big kiss” when your friends came over?  I already told you, you set me up for that one by begging me to “be cool for once”.  Lastly, I wouldn’t make fun of me if I was you.  We share similar genes.  {squint}

– Love, Tia AC

 

BLOGVERSARY GIVEAWAY!

1 Dec

It is my ONE YEAR BLOGVERSARY!!

I cannot believe it has already been a year.  So many awkward moments, so little time to write them all up for you.

As a thank you to all of you who have followed, read and shared my awkwardly charming stories with the world, I am running a Blogversary Giveaway.

The prize?  A totally awesome/awkward surprise.  You know you want it…

Just click on the link below to enter! (December 1-13). 4 winners will be chosen at random.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

* note – after you log in for the giveaway, remember to click “log out” before leaving the page.

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

30 May

I have sprained my foot.  The how and why of it all doesn’t really matter – does it?

Ok, I thought I could jump over the dog steps leading to the couch.  Unfortunately my one foot didn’t get the memo and the rest is foot injury history.  Officially the dumbest way to hurt yourself.

This is not me, but let's pretend I look this cute when injured.

This is not me, but let’s pretend I look this cute when injured.

The thing about being single and injured is that even if you take time off of work to rest/heal, you still need to do basic tasks around the house for yourself.  Things like preparing meals and taking the dog for a walk don’t happen on their own.

As I lay there with my foot elevated, my dog began her “I have to pee” whine. {Sigh}  

Since walking is a bit uncomfortable, I decided to do as many things as possible in one go.  This meant stuffing letters to take to the mailbox under one arm and grabbing a full garbage bag, keys and dog leash with the other hand.  Easy.

I wasn’t going to let a little bandaged foot and immobilization shoe get in my way

So there I was hobbling behind an inconsiderate, speedy and spastic Chihuahua while bags and keys and things banged up against me.

When I got to the elevator bank, I saw three big men who looked like they had just spent the past year working out in a prison gym.  Given that they were in the midst of a heated debate over who hated their parole officer more, I’m guessing my assessment of how they got so buff wasn’t that far off.

Hm…maybe I’ll take the stairs instead? Because stairs and foot injuries go so well together.

Unfortunately, Panicky Dog couldn’t read my mind so when I turned right instead of left, she did what she does best – panic.

She decided to run a circle around me.  So as not to get my legs tied up, I lifted the arm holding her leash, but it was being weighed down by other things so I was only able to get it up so far when the leash wrapped around my hair bun.

As you may remember, when Panicky Dog is in the midst of a panic attack there is no stopping her, so she continued running circles around me, wrapping her expandable leash tighter and tighter around my hair.

There I was:

Elaine

       Bandaged foot and special shoe

       Stack of letters under one arm, which I absolutely refused to let drop to the floor

       Garbage bag, keys and leash in hand

       Panicky dog running around me in circles

       Whipping my head and body back and forth to try and untangle the ever-tightening leash from my hair without the use of my hands and only one good leg to stand on.

All the while, the parolees were watching.

First in awed silence, followed by bursts of laughter and comments such as “Hey lady, your dog is trying to kill you”. One guy was laughing so hard he was walking and clapping in glee.

Thanks for all the help, guys.  I’ll just awkwardly limp away now.

 

The Liebster Blog Award

1 Mar

liebster

Imagine my surprise when I logged into my blog and was greeted with a notification that I had been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by none other than Project Southsea Blog. I’m just really genuinely touched that a fellow blogger enjoys my awkward little site (grammar mistakes and all?).

{Cue Queen’s ‘We Are The Champions’}
Thanks Project Southsea Blog! I feel like you are my awkward brother by another mother.  Your blog really, truly is one of my staples! I’d say if you are ever in the U.S. to stop by for a visit, but who are we kidding? That would be the most excruciatingly awkward meeting of all time.  I’d sit quietly (probably drenched in nervous sweats) and in an effort to cut the tension you’ll say something inappropriate and then we’d both sit there awkwardly staring at each other willing the other person to speak with our minds. But really… if you’re ever State-side let me know 🙂

 
The Liebster Blog Award.
The rules for the Liebster Award are very simple: You are required to thank the person who nominated you, answer the 11 question they have asked you, nominate 11 other people and ask them 11 questions in return. According to the guidelines the Liebster award should be sent to bloggers with less than 200 followers so that new bloggers can see how awesome they are!

 
My 11 Answers:
1. What made you start blogging? When I tell my family and friends my awkward stories they laugh (at me?) and then tell me that I need to write a book. So I tried that, but no one wanted to publish it.  Last year my BFF started a blog and since where she leads I follow I decided to start my blog so that I could get my stories out there.

 
2. Honestly, how many other blogs do you read regularly? It really depends on my mood/how much free time I have that day. Sites I can’t live my life without reading?? Hm… I’d say about three. But when I have more free time it’s more.

 
3. Presently, what do you do for a living? I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.

 
4. What is your dream career? Honestly? Stay-at-Home wife. I realize that is NOT a very cool or trendy thing to say. As a single, independent woman with an advanced degree I feel pressured to say I want to be an astronaut or first female President. But all that sounds really, really hard and I’m over it. So if any of you are looking for a wife/blogger let me know {wink}

 
5. If you could have dinner with any 3 people, living or dead, who would you choose? (1.) Claude Giroux – Captain of the Philadelphia Flyers (hockey) He’s a sexy little biscuit. (2.) Tina Fey – writer/actress/comedian/producer. I think she’s hilarious and in my head I feel like we’d be great friends. Plus people say we look alike. (3.) You. Ha! You weren’t expecting that one, were you?

 
6. When was the last time you tried something new, and what did you do? Lots, but the most noteworthy was 3 years ago. I tried surfing on a cruise ship. They have a pool on board the ship with jet streams that create “waves” to surf on.  I fell and got a concussion.

 
7. What is your favourite film of all time? AH! So hard to answer this… I’m gonna go with Bridget Jones’ Diary because I can relate to being single & awkward.

 
8. You can punch one celebrity in face without reprisal . Who would it be? Ryan Fucking Seacrest

 
9. If you could go 10 years into the future and ask yourself one question only, what would it be? Are you (we/I) happy?

 
10. How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer? What in the world? Zero monies! I love puppies too much.

 
11. What is your favourite swear word? English: Fuck! Spanish: La puta madre!

 
Blogs I am Nominating:

1. Time Machine Taste Tester – Not only is her site about “playing with my food to reconnect with what’s real” the best blog out there (after mine, of course!), she’s also a great friend of mine.
2. Project Southsea Blog – It might be against the rules to nominate the person who nominated you, but I don’t care. He deserves lots of awards.
3. Reasons Why I’m Still Single  – Should I be worried that I can relate to a lot of his posts?
4. Socially Oxward  – Because I can’t get enough!
5. Crazy Train To Tinky Town  – I love reading about her hapless adventures.
6. Sociopathicuttlefish  – I really enjoy this blog because it’s not a one-trick pony.  He writes about a little bit of everything.
7. Feck This Shit, I’m Outta Here  – I originally started following this blog because the name was FANTASTIC. But I’ve continued to follow because he’s a good writer.
8. Sunny Days in DC  – Because she referred to this award as blog-herpes.
9. Theinnerwildkat  – She writes about a little bit of everything, so if you are looking for variety, check her out!
10. Animalcouriers  –I like looking at the pictures of all the adorable animals they help.
11. Mayasingredients – A site for foodies. As someone who cannot cook, I enjoy reading her posts and attempting the recipes.

My 11 Questions:
1. What made you start blogging?
2. What awkward thing have you said or done recently?
3. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
4. What is your most annoying habit?
5. If you could time travel, where/when would you go?
6. Coffee or Tea?
7. What is your favorite book?
8. What inspires you to write?
9. If you could date one celebrity, who would it be?
10. Do you day dream?
11. What is your favorite blog post that you’ve written?