I Backed My Thang Way Up

15 Jan

I was taking a shower this morning, like I sometimes do. {cough}  As I was about to rinse out my hair, I realized that my shower comb was on the vanity.  Any woman with more than 3 inches of hair knows that if you don’t want tangles, you need a shower comb! You just DO.

Instead of going through the hassle of turning off the water, patting dry and retrieving the comb, I slid the shower door open just enough to allow my teensy body through without getting water everywhere.

With one foot in the shower and the other on the rug, I reached out and grabbed the comb.

I guess I miscalculated my body mass, because on the way back the shower door somehow got lodged between my butt cheeks!!

Woman in shower2

I turned sharply right and then left.  The glass door shook with a vengeance and sounded as if it was about to shatter, but remained wedged in place.

Get out of there, door!

{Images of glass shards in my vulnerable bits; paramedics making a daring, yet awkward, rescue; a medical team harassing me with embarrassing questions}

“How exactly does one get a shower door stuck in their butt crack?”

“Why didn’t you slide the door open more?”

“She must’ve thought she was “teensy” [shut up, imaginary doctor! I am too, teensy].

As the panic set in further, I became dizzy.

Not only was I naked, stuck in an awkward position and too terrified to move, I was also on the verge of passing out.  Fantastic…

Luckily, I recuperated my wits and moved my hips forward (instead of in a panicky side-to-side motion – duh!) thereby dislodging the intrusive glass door.

If my life were a movie, Juvenile’s “Back That Thang Up” would’ve started playing in the background.

Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that thang up

You’se a big fine woman, won’t you back that thang up

Call me Big Daddy when you back that thang up

Girl, who is you playin wit? Back that thang up

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4 Responses to “I Backed My Thang Way Up”

  1. rpetreccia January 15, 2014 at 1:48 pm #

    OMG too damn funny!!! I really don’t know where you came from.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    • awkwardcharm January 15, 2014 at 1:53 pm #

      I don’t know. My mother has on occasion exhibited signs of awkwardness but for the most part I’m alone in my struggles.

  2. saramo January 16, 2014 at 7:37 am #

    Oh Boy !, what a moment , but at the same time I can’t stop laughing …(( hahahahaha )) … Sorry 🙂

    • awkwardcharm January 21, 2014 at 4:53 pm #

      I also can’t stop laughing at my own awkwardness.

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