Strings Attached

30 Aug

Believe it or not, I was on a date recently.  Don’t laugh! Awkward people need love too, you know.

 My date and I agreed to meet up at a local bar and grab a drink.  At first, it was awkward – as is any situation involving men and me.  But he kept buying me glasses of wine and soon the awkwardness melted away and the charm began to take over.

Or so I thought…

He seemed to be a bit more taken with me than I was with him or so I gathered based on the fact that he kept touching my thigh {don’t touch me} and even mentioned meeting my family one day. Woah! 

(A.)  We are only half way through a first date.  Slow your roll, buddy!

(B.)  Thanks to incidents like these, all boyfriends are banned from meeting my family until after we’re married!

Speaking of family, my date wanted to see a picture of Panicky Dog.  I began to dig around for my phone in the abyss I call my purse which contains the unorganized contents of my entire life. In my purse you will find everything from dental floss to dog treats and everything in between – with the exception of money; very little to none of that in there.

{Feeling around for my phone. Aha! There it is!}

I quickly whipped my phone out bringing with it a pair of G-string panties I had worn during my last bikini wax session and completely forgot about until exactly this moment.

{He looks at my black thong, hanging daintily off my pinky finger}

shock{I stare at him wide-eyed and opened-mouth. Frozen in panic}

Date: Wow! Someone came prepared.

Me: {Shove G-string back into purse} No! You see, I use them only for when I get a bikini wax. And I did that {hyperventilating slightly} and now I’m done with that {what are you saying?} and I forgot to take them off. I mean out! I forgot to take them out of my giant mom-sized purse.  Not that I am a mom, obviously! I’m not even sure I want kids, really. I just… I got a bikini wax.

 Date: {Leering}

Me: No! No, no. None of that. No.  Not for you.

Date: Oh…

Me: I didn’t mean… it wasn’t for anyone! I just… hygiene? {he begins to cheer up a bit} And… but that would still be a no for you.  Sorry.

I don’t know how, but the date continued on as if the G-string hadn’t made it’s naughty appearance. I think that second bottle of wine helped…

In the end he seemed more interested in getting into my knickers than in getting to know me, so I cut him loose.

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7 Responses to “Strings Attached”

  1. saramo August 30, 2013 at 7:57 pm #

    Hahahaha, THAT was something awful !!! …. did you hsve a chance to show the picture ? …. guess Not 🙂

    • awkwardcharm October 31, 2013 at 7:32 am #

      No. Panicky Dog was completely forgotten as I was in the midst of my own panic.

  2. Kitt Crescendo August 30, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

    Oh, my awkward friend… I’ve soo been there. (See? You’re not the only one who has awkward moments.) Mine went so far as to sit in the same side of the booth as me…and there were just two of us. And he kept trying to paw his way up my skirt via my thigh. Not happening. I ditched him after one drink.

    • awkwardcharm October 31, 2013 at 7:33 am #

      Woah! I thought I had replied to this… earlier? Sorry. I’m proud of you for ending it after one drink. I never know when a good cut-off period is and I end up staying for 2 bottles of wine {rolling eyes at self}

  3. meshabee September 1, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

    Hahahah this is so perfect. How do you not have a t.v. show!? (a thought I have on a daily basis when my awkwardness takes over)

    • awkwardcharm October 31, 2013 at 7:35 am #

      Sorry for the late response! Haha – thank you 🙂 I think my TV show would be incredibly boring. Mostly it would be me standing awkwardly in a corner or attempting (and failing) to parallel park multiple times before speeding leaving behind a trail of dust and shame.

      • meshabee November 3, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

        AHHH! Parallel parking is the WORST! I have yet to be able to do it and I’ve been driving for 5 years, I’ll pay an unreasonable price or walk an insane distance before I embarrass myself parallel parking again.

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