My Awkward Week

26 Aug

WTFAlthough awkwardness is part of my life, it doesn’t usually strike so violently as it did last week.  Each day could’ve been it’s own story, really. I feel the accumulation of all these things over the span of 5 days makes more of an impact, though.

Here is my awkward week:

Monday:  I had just rolled out of bed and opened the door to take my dog for her morning walk when I hear a man shout and a giant black blur run down the hall.   It was my neighbor’s Big Dumb Dog, which is a mix between a lab and horse, from what I can tell.  His owner was shouting at this giant puppy to “come” and “heel”, but to no avail. I manage to shove Panicky Dog back into the apartment, but not in time to avoid Big Dumb Dog shoving the door open and running in after her (he weighs more than I do, ok? Don’t judge me!)

I am now standing in the doorway with Panicky Dog hidden firmly between my legs watching as this beast is tearing through my apartment like it’s his own private dog park.  I have been awake for all of 5 minutes and am not able to fully grasp what is happening. Nor do I have the ability to speak as I am in a state of shock.  The owner eventually comes into the apartment; causing Big Dumb Dog to think it’s all a big game, thus setting him off even more.  The whole time his owner is alternating between “I’m so sorry” and uselessly shouting commands to “stop”.  He eventually wrestles the dog to the ground, leashes him (which is what he should’ve done before letting him out!) and calmly walks out of my apartment.  But then we are both taking our dogs out for a walk… at the same time…

Tuesday: I was sitting in my office when an extremely loud and forceful, man-sized fart escaped my bum.  Suddenly the office clatter of typing and talking on the phone fell completely silent.  I began to text my family & friends who tried to offer useful advice, but it was too late. It was clearly a fart.  And it clearly came from my office.  My mom’s response to this story was “Never change… You have a special character J

Later that day I had a meeting and when I got out of the car both pant legs were tucked into my ankle boots.  Naturally, I did a quick leg shake, but if the back came loose the front got stuck. If I shook the left leg, the right leg would inexplicably tuck back into the boot.  I did a sort of awkward jig next to my car for about 5 minutes before my pants righted themselves – because bending over would’ve been too easy and not awkward enough!  That’s when, to my horror, I discover the car directly in front of me had it’s driver still inside.  And he was just laughing and laughing…and laughing.

Wednesday:  Fearful of Big Dumb Dog I now feel the need to tip toe down the hallway in an exaggerated manner like some cartoon burglar while carrying a squirming Panicky Dog.  Once in the safety of the garden, I let her down to do her business. On this day I turned with Panicky Dog to go back up the stairs when Big Dumb Dog leapt off the fourth step onto Panicky Dog who is 1/100of his size. I was looking around for his owner, but no one was there. Big Dumb Dog was just running loose around the garden and occasionally doubling back to playfully maul me. After 5 minutes his owner came down to claim him.  I started to say he needed to be more careful when Big Dumb Dog does a flying thrust kick right in my belly. I released a not so graceful “UMPF” and spent the next few minutes doubled over; thankful I hadn’t yet eaten breakfast.

Thursday:  I had hung out with a friend the night before who made fun of her coworker for taking a massive poo at work. Oh, how we laughed.  And oh how Karma made me pay for it.  One minute, I was reading an email. The next minute I was gripped with such stomach pain that I wasn’t sure if I could stand up without an “incident”.  I ran to the unisex bathroom because it was directly across from my office.  I’ll spare you the details but it was something like the cruise incident.  As I shamefully opened the bathroom door, the cute guy at work (yes, the one who witnessed me scratching my nose) walked in behind me.  Not only did I have to endure that moment, but I was also able to witness him exiting the restroom and release the breath he was holding while in there.

Friday: I occasionally do Reiki with a woman who works out of her home, which is a little awkward when you can hear her son making a sandwich after school, but…{shrug}.  On this day her husband was in the driveway when I got there and looked surprised to see me.  He kept stepping in my way as if not to let me pass. I informed him that I had an appointment with his wife and attempted to step past him.  Again he blocked me.  He then informed me that his wife wasn’t home.  After driving 40 minutes to get to her house in the middle of nowhere, I was losing my patience and again huffed that I had an appointment.  He then informed me that her mother had just passed away and they were in the middle of making preparations to leave town. 

I was flooded with so many emotions at one time that it overloaded my verbal filter and the first words that came tumbling out of my mouth were “But… I have an appointment!”  Horror registered on both our faces.  I quickly recuperated, but the damage was done.

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7 Responses to “My Awkward Week”

  1. Kitt Crescendo August 26, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

    Oh, my. First, it sounds like Big Dumb Dog’s owner is the menace, not necessarily the mindless mutt. Second, we’ve all had those severe stomach pains…sucks that your restroom is a uni, though. As for the Reiki lady…I got nothin’. We’ve all inserted our feet in our big ol’ mouths from time to time.

    • awkwardcharm August 26, 2013 at 7:55 pm #

      Yeah…. I also got nuthin’

    • awkwardcharm August 26, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

      Oh…and to clarify I don’t blame Big Dumb Dog. He’s just a giant with a puppy brain . I blame the owner. But also the name fits 😉

  2. saramo August 26, 2013 at 8:16 pm #

    Huffffff …. What a week !!!!!

    • awkwardcharm August 26, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

      Yes! What a week! Glad it’s behind me. Lets just hope this week goes better

  3. meshabee August 26, 2013 at 10:36 pm #

    I would be so upset if some strangers dog just came running through my house. It’s ridiculous people can’t control their dogs enough so they don’t run through other people’s houses and then kick them in the stomach! He better be bringing an apology cake or something in the next few days lol

    • awkwardcharm August 26, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

      He’s apologized so many times that the word “sorry” has lost it’s meaning. But cake (!) now that’s a good idea!! Hmmm…..

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