Wax On, Wax Awkward

11 Mar

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Because I am a female of the unibrow possessing variety, I have been subjecting myself to the torture of waxing since the age of 13. Over the years, the areas which get waxed have extended further down south.

Having just left a waxing appointment I can’t help but recall the awkwardness of my very first Brazilian waxing experience (sorry boys… this is gonna get hairy – pun intended). 

It doesn’t matter how often I do it, it’s always a little bit awkward, because, well… the waxer… she…well she really gets up in there, ya know?

Given that she has a better understanding of my “lady” then most of my ex boyfriends says it all.  So you can imagine how intimidating one’s first waxing experience can be. Especially if that experience is anything like mine!

I had walked past a spa one day and on a whim decided to go in and try it out.  Spontaneity is the key otherwise I’d chicken out! I had decided I was going to go all the way – BRAZILIAN! Go big or go home, right?

Granted, I wasn’t 100% sure what was involved. But I knew that a lot of hair would be removed which was… good. Right?

The receptionist led me into an all white room with a paper-covered bed, one extremely bright light and a small hand towel.  No further explanation was given.

I stood staring at the bed. I was picturing the gown and large paper blanket that you get at the gynecologist, but as I looked at the tiny hand towel I realized it wasn’t going to cover it (literally).

How far did I need to strip down? Did the panties have to come off? Couldn’t she, like, work around them?

I decided to keep them on and for an added layer of modesty I placed the tiny towel over the area, as well.  There. That seems about right.

That’s when Helga, the Russian Waxer From Hell, walked in.

No introduction.  No explanation. Not even some Enya to relax me.  She just cranked up the heat on the wax and ripped the hand towel off my lap.

Oh, ok, so we are going to play this tense and scary? Got it.

Helga: Take panties off.

Me: Oh… well… could you just…

Helga: OFF!

Me: {Trying to shimmy out of panties while also remaining somewhat modest}

vertical-comics-002Helga roughly yanked my legs apart and contorted me into positions that I didn’t even think were possible.  Had I known, I would’ve stretched beforehand.

And the pain…I was pretty sure she had the wax set to 375 degrees.

Between my nervousness and the heat of the wax I was sweating pretty profusely, which only annoyed Helga further because she had to keep stopping to slap talcum powder on me.  And I mean that literally.  It’s a very disturbing area to get slapped.

Then there was the tweezing.

If you’ve never had a butchy Russian woman take a metal, pinching object to your area then you haven’t really lived.

Eventually she stopped.  “Oh thank God, she’s done!” I thought to myself in relief.

Helga: Roll over. Spread butt cheeks apart.

Me: But…butt?

Helga: You say Brazilian? Is correct?

Me: Um…{whisper} yes.

Helga: Then I need to get the hole. Roll over.  Spread butt cheeks apart. {mumbling something to herself in Russian – probably devising new ways to torture me with the wax}

Me: Well, we don’t really have to do that are—

Helga: ROLL OVER!

Since I clearly have a problem standing up to people who are screaming at me, especially when I’m half naked, I obliged the fearsome Helga. I wish I hadn’t though, because if I had thought the wax was hot before…

Once Helga was done contorting and slapping me with talcum powder, she walked out of the room without a word. For a minute I laid there face down, cheeks spread and too terrified to move. I then put my clothes back on and gingerly stepped out of the room.  No Helga to be found.

When I got to the register I was red faced, teary eyed and covered in sweat. The receptionist cheerily informed me it would be $90.  Fantastic. What a bargain!

I eventually found a nice (non-Russian) girl who completely understands the concept of modesty and the importance of not getting into a mad slapping fit with my “lady”. As a bonus she even gives me a big hug at the end of my waxing session– because every girl needs a bit of a cuddle after something like that!

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15 Responses to “Wax On, Wax Awkward”

  1. Ursula March 11, 2013 at 7:15 pm #

    I have been patiently waiting for this blog post! It is one of my favorites!!!!! The pictures of 40 year old virgin are the best! KELLY CLARKSON!!!!

    • awkwardcharm March 11, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

      I was reading your comment on my phone while brushing my teeth and laughed so hard at the reference to KELLY CLARKSON!!!! that I sprayed tooth paste all over the place. Good thing i’m single b/c that wasn’t a pretty sight! I’m so glad you enjoyed it, Ursula!

  2. sociallyoxward March 11, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

    I started dying at “It’s a very disturbing place to get slapped,” and didn’t stop laughing till the end. Thanks for the laughs and the knowledge, I will be sure to never ever do this in my life. 🙂 -K

    • awkwardcharm March 12, 2013 at 6:52 am #

      I’m so glad to hear you got a great laugh! I wish I could say I exaggerated the story… but I didn’t. “She” got slapped – a lot. haha. Thanks for reading!!

  3. stressingoutstudent March 12, 2013 at 1:34 am #

    Well, that settles it. NEVER GETTING WAXED THERE.

    • awkwardcharm March 12, 2013 at 6:53 am #

      I’m not going to lie… it’s horrible. But it’s less awkward if you find someone less Helga-y. 🙂

  4. saramo March 12, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    Hahahahahahaha …… no Russian wax for me ….. hahahahahahahaha

  5. TimeMachineTasteTester March 12, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    “I need to get the hole” is my new fav quote. and ONLY $90? 🙂

    • awkwardcharm March 15, 2013 at 6:50 am #

      Haha!! I’m glad you like it 🙂 and yes…$90 was a real bargain.

  6. datinginvegas March 13, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

    This cracked me up. LMAO. Thanks for sharing!

    • awkwardcharm March 13, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

      I’m so glad you had a good laugh. Thanks for reading!

  7. Ganga March 15, 2013 at 10:45 am #

    My sympathies on having to deal with the Horrible Helga… but gahahahahahah.. i;m still laughing… very funny post!

    • awkwardcharm March 15, 2013 at 10:46 am #

      Um glad you enjoyed that Ganga. At least some good came out of it 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Beauty is Embarrassing | Awkward Charm - January 14, 2015

    […] those who read my post about Helga the Russian Waxer from Hell, you understand. For those who haven’t, here is an example of each waxing visit Donna and I have […]

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