Awkward Swagger

13 Dec

You must understand that I am the baby of my family by over a decade.  My sisters are 13 and 14 years older than me. I adored them beyond reason and followed them around everywhere, like most little sisters are prone to do.  I had no idea that I wasn’t “cool” or even “liked”.   I was completely and totally oblivious to the fact that they did not want me to hang around them and their friends. They were in high school, after all, and I hadn’t even started kindergarten yet.  But no matter how much they attempted to shoo me away, I never got the hint.

You see? I was awkward from birth!

Of course it didn’t help matters that despite the fact that I was only 4 years old I was hopelessly in love with their friend, Parker [not his real name, but a cool name nonetheless. Just go with it]. I would fawn over Parker with unabashed adoration.

Have you ever seen a girl throw herself at a guy and thought, “Oh my gosh! This is so uncomfortable. I wish she’d get the hint that he just doesn’t like her!”  Well now imagine that same scenario but with the girl as a 4 year old and the guy as an 18 year old. I know… {shamefully looks down} I know.

One particularly cringe-worthy memory sticks out in my mind. I was only 4 at the time, but if I think about it, I can still recall it with such painful detail that it makes even ME uncomfortable!

There was an end-of-year party at our apartment with my sisters and their friends. Parker was there, of course. I was desperate to hang out with “my friends” and my mom thought, quite brilliantly, that having a 4 year old in the mix would dampen any ideas of the party goers to get too wild.  I, on the other hand, saw this as an opportunity to spend time with my beloved Parker.

Parker was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on the floor, hugging his right leg.  Yes, you read that correctly. I was hugging his right leg. In my mind, I was the most alluring thing in the room. In his mind, I was the creepy kid hugging his leg. He tried to ignore me, but I wasn’t having it. His attention belonged to me and only me!

I wasn’t allowed to watch R-rated movies, but when your babysitter is a 17 year old, they don’t really enforce the rules too strictly. As in, if my sisters wanted to watch an R-rated movie then I watched an R-rated movie.  And in one such movie I had seen a woman seductively offer food to a man. Brilliant! So that’s what I’ll do then.

I took a potato chip off the coffee table and as I hugged his leg with my left arm, I extended my right arm up, offering the chip and asked “would you like a chip, my love?”.

{crickets} The room went silent.

I saw the look of complete panic and horror on Parker’s face just before my sister yelled out “MOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! SHE’S BEING WEIRD AGAIN!”

{What? I’m not weird. Parker, tell them!  Parker? Oh… I think I did something wrong here…?}

It’s been 27 years since the incident with Parker, and I still get made fun of for it. I also still blush at the sound of his name [his real name]. But despite how uncomfortable I made him feel every time he came to our apartment to hang out with my sisters, he was always very nice to me.  He treated me like a little kid, and rightly so, but he wasn’t cruel or harsh.  He just accepted it for what it was: a little kid’s crush.

It was then that I discovered I have a knack for making someone extremely uncomfortable, yet they love me for it. Therefore, I refer to myself as being awkwardly charming.

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19 Responses to “Awkward Swagger”

  1. TimeMachineTasteTester December 13, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    I’m laughing, but also feeling itchy from discomfort with the potato chip offering. Mission accomplished!

    • awkwardcharm December 13, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

      Thank you! Yes… it was difficult for me to write it out.

  2. saramo December 13, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    If I remember well, you have your eyes for him up to your 10th or so years 🙂

  3. awkwardcharm December 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    I think I was 15 when my crush officially ended

  4. ursula December 13, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    Hilarious!

  5. Raquel December 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    Your too funny! 🙂

  6. lillemissHannah December 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    I seriously almost peed my pants..would you like a chip my love hahahhahahahahahhaahhahahahahaha I love you so much and I will never get sick of your awkard moment stories!

    • awkwardcharm December 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

      Great!! My goal is in fact to make someone pee their pants w laughter.

  7. Teri December 17, 2012 at 12:23 am #

    Don’t tell me Parker’s real name is Rocky? Please don’t tell me that!!!!

  8. lillemissHannah December 17, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    Haha I was also wondering if “Parker” was code for Rocky lol

  9. lillemissHannah December 17, 2012 at 8:18 am #

    Is it just me or do you picture her saying would you like a potato chip my love with a french accent???

  10. Jeff January 13, 2013 at 10:09 am #

    My friends’ 5-year-old daughter has something of a crush on me. I figured this would go away over time, and most little kids seem to love me (and I love them), so I never gave this much thought. Are you saying this could go on for several more years?

    • awkwardcharm January 13, 2013 at 10:10 am #

      Yes Jeff. I say you have 10 more years 😉 haha.

      • Jeff January 13, 2013 at 11:43 pm #

        Oh, I also forgot to mention how everyone present noticed how she totally gave my wife the stink eye the first time they met each other.

      • awkwardcharm January 14, 2013 at 5:18 am #

        Oh man. This all sounds so familiar…you should be honored. A girl never forgets her first crush 😉

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Valentine’s Day: An Awkward Journey | Awkward Charm - February 6, 2014

    […] me remind you all that Awkward Charm’s very first post, Awkward Swagger, was the story of a 4-year old me attempting to seduce my sister’s friend by hugging his leg and […]

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